i'm either influenced by working life, or by a frn. i seem to pinpoint wat goes wrong. some ppl can accept it (on the surface?), some ppl dislike it. n cos i'm living by myself, i have to make the decisions at times. being pressed for time (does any1, or can any1, imagine wat i'm going thru? no jus say say "know ur plight, been thru it", but really put urself in my shoes. who can really do it?), i will need to make sure i plan my time properly, no time is wasted.

some ppl mistake it as "so kan cheong", some think i'm irritating. well these ppl, i guess they usually dun have any rush of time to care abt. for mi, even when i'm out, i still worry abt my future. y? cos.... it's my god damn great future. every1 is working hard for it. so am i. i made a promise to myself, not to use my family money for my studies. i really hope i can stick to it. if i fail to keep it, i... will b dead meat.

but over time, i realise tat, i dun have to b so rigid, dun have to b so exact abt wat caused the problem... to my frns. we wan to enjoy our time, not to make 1 person.. or scold tat person til he realise.. or till he's repentant.

i'm still alright, for those who r suspecting. but will focus on my studies, if things go smoothly, i shld b able to recover my social life n get on properly wif it. perhaps by then, i'll be able to mix in wif the general public. if not, i'll probably lead the life of a monk. not including food.

am i a heart breaker? have i become too independent after living by myself?

haha... nothign to blog lah. jus some office politics to say. but ch U show, wah, really veli funnie!! the korean show story is touching n cliche, but the things tat guy did was good n hilarious. den, now, the hk show, wah.. oso another funnie drama to watch.. watch how they fight it out...

umm... i seldom blif in pulling strings... but at this point of time, i'm not sure if i dun obey the rules, will things still proceed smoothly anot... yes it's very vague, cos i dun wan say 2 much...

oh my....... Fear Factor is showing ppl, daring enuff to have their arms poked wif needles.... is this a pain factor, or fear factor?? fear shld not cause pain, but a test of their courage. imagine. 1 needle goes thru the surface of the skin of ur arm, not going into the flesh, but merely wriggles along the skin n pokes thru another area of the surface of the skin. then skin is den pressed lightly down to ensure it's firmly into the skin. gosh it MUZ hurt. not just 1 needle, but as many as the person can withstand.......... yux! but, come to think of it, sometimes it's amazing to see how far some ppl can go, jus to win the prize cash... wow. as a guy (my mindset changes with the env n situation i'm in hahaha..), i'm quite imrpessed tat the gers managed it. i may b scared stiff myself.

============

ahha, ch U 10pm show, really showing lotsa funny tactics. 1 ger is innocent. 2 side r fighting to win her heart (duno for wat. i forgot). dunno ... err, usually, r ppl so naive n tend to blif ppl easily? for mi, i tend to trust ppl n blif wat they say. but once i find some untruth in it, the trust is gone. n i'll start to think n doubt every word they say. sigh, due to this, i broke contact wif 1 good aj frn. although ppl say, he's out to make use of mi, but i feel nice wif him. ok, cos in teh show, 2 sides r trying to win her. 1 is a con family. 1 is trying to make up for wat they did in the past, n tryignt o show her the con family is cheating her. haha, lotsa tactics n planning. so fun!

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watching news.. is it really so good tat there are so many express "trains" in education? students can directly go from sec to jc, no need "O" lvl. now, students can go poly without exam. wat's the purpose of havint those exams in teh first place? if we, on the rationale tat they can make better use of the extra time, do away wif the exam, wat good will it do them? got more time to learn more things? n benefit the sch? den why bother setting exams?

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watching news... gosh... right now, blogging is becoming the in-thing now. even got courtcases, infringement of privacy. where on earth can we be free to voice our thots?? but, some ppl, jus tend to blurt thigns out without thinking if it makes sense or anot. this is the black sheep

ytday veli chamzz. got extra lesson for monash. attended it. lecturer say we r tired, so he try to make it livelier... well, dun need lah, cos if we tired, he's oso tired mah.. since we brought ourselves there ,we r prepared to learn n understand :) den class end 10pm. wahliao.. OMG, i forgot to record the korean show. shit, missed it. 10pm class end, 11pm reach home, took dinner (not much left), 1130pm i left for my room. got home, so damn tired ,dun wan do anything. i jus slept. yes din even bath at all. cos the weather so cOLD!!!! i felt winter even whle i'm walking home siazz!!

gosh my asgt deadline nearing... but i haveb't started yet.. n now, i confused liao. my java 310-081 exam dun have any exam guide. e oni 1 published jus 1 day b4 my apptmt. luckily, i found a website whcih got say a lot of theory on wcd. but its disclaimer states, dun jus depend on it for exam prep. sianzz.. am i so destined?!? now reading a 310-080 guide bk for some root information.. damn... i originally wanna, read monash notes on net, on bus i read java bk, at home, do monash asgt. but now, got the java website to read oso... SIANZ!

few days back, mum commented ,in past, taxi r so hard to get. n any1 who wanna drive can jus apply for license n get a taxi to drive. now so many companies are loaning taxis to ppl, but passengers r so hard to get. wa'ts more, driver oso need to pass a certain test. the govt jus let the ppl loan taxis n dun care whether they earn money anot...

somehwo, i feel tat, this is the way the world turns. the rich can jump into any biz that's viable. thsoe who wanna join, join at own risk. if fail to stay on, they have to quit. but the company stil earn. fittest survive. but my mum, perhaps getting senile, or she dun see the whole picture, so she keep lamenting on why n tat happening.

===============

hey les, computer is computer... wati mena is, i tend to go by facts... n b rigid... now learn to relax n dun b so hard on facts.

damn... ytday, i handed in my asgt, den stayed up to abt 1+ 2am to edit n post some pix. i wasn't really tat tired to slp, but i shld slp liao lah. i forgot if i heard my hp beep. the next thing i know, i woke up at 7.19am ahhah, i was blur. how come wak eup so late... really cos i MUZ have certan hrs of sleep? so i rushed, n was abt to leave my house when i check my hp. got 1 sms. sent at 2.33am. asking mi to give wakeup call. whahaha... din state time, jus ask for wakeup call? so i jus called, but he woke up liao.. hahah..

thot i'll b late for work, but hehe, i was nearly late lah. den work day, cos 2 ppl on leave, i was SOOO busy. picking up as many calls as i can. n now, thinking of how i shld plan my time. my asgt 4 hand in liao. den another mod's asgt due in 5/oct. my java exam on 1oct. was wondering which is my priority. i brought my monash txtbk to read on way to work. but... sianzz... maybe i too tired, or simply no mood to read, upon reading 2-3 lines of text, i simply wnana doze off. i think i better change my priority. i'll focus on my java since it's my exam 2 wks later.

having been VERY serious abt life, having fallen down, n picking myself up, i kinda learnt more about living. i no longer am so biz-way/fact-based when chit chatting wif my frns. but when it comes to reasoning n having a stand, it's still fact-based. it makes life easier, n more fun. esp when it comes to bickering and non-sensical thots haha..

korean show, teh ger has regained her memory. cool. she is now tuff n can stand up for herself. i like it. not being a wimp n b pushed around. haha, now the start of the fun story. so, she still not strong enuff to fight the mum/daughter team who know how to act.

wah, he went for surgery to make his face liken pei yong jun... for wat...

cool stunt...

now at 1244am, i finally finihsed my asgt 4 and handed in. sighzz.. i realyl doubt my chance at passing. afterall, i oredi failed 1 exam liao. now not surprising if i fail again. got my results for 2nd asgt of the tuff module. i failed MISERABLY. ok, i accept, cos i really.. haha, totally duno wat i writing n understand oso.

gosh.. i having classes today again, den my laundry, dunno how come, got bits n pieces of tissue-like substance stick to my laundry. damn. rinse again, no use. take home to wash. haha, the web class i taking today, is teaching abt web DB. to rush for an appt, i kinda really decided that i can give the contents a miss, cos wif my DB knowledge, i can catch easily. jus know the syntax will do. watever is taught, i can understand by the syntax. dun need much explanation. now, m asgt hand in liao, i can focus on the web proj.

n i seem to know, y i keep having those dreams...

jus came back from my classes... sigh... got 1 asgt due in 2 days... or rather... 19 sept 05 2359hr AEST. it looked easy, but writing down in words is tuff, esp when u dun have much idea wat u doing is right or wrong. there is no definite right or wrong ans. it's more to how we define our way of answering. the tutor say the usual asgt dun ask this kinda open end question, but such question will give rise to more probes into wat exactly is being asked.

somehow, i think the lecturer is trying to get us to think. the usual asgt maybe more to a std way of answering n not much udnerstand is neeeded. but this time, the lecturer first tiem take over. she wanna ask to think n explore the various ways of a topic. somehow i feel it's her intention. but due to this, i really not sure if my way of answering will live up to her std anot... sigh... 5 asgt in all for this module. 5 asgt in 2 mths. stunned huh? 1st asgt, i ok, easy 1, oni 2 marks to 100%. 2nd asgt, sighzz, total flop. cos i really dunno the topic, so... i do oni the questions worth half of asgt's total mark. 3rd asgt, i do those tat i can manage. i think oni did 3/4.

now is 4th. sigh. 5th?? dunno.

on way home, i was staring into blank n singing to myself (silently). but i did 1 good job. a ger sittign beside mi was covering up herself wif jacket, but still cold. i can take the aircon, so i adjusted the a/c to mi oni. she thx mi in person ahah. den for dinner, i saw there'a new guy at the stall. he is wif a ger. gf? dunno. he has the hair color of beng.. umm slightly. den he asked wat i wanna have. but later, the main owner took over. however, he still the 1 who took the $ from mi. haha, jus as he is ready to give mi the change, i took the chance to jus take the change from him. in case he pass it to the ger hha.

when i finished eating, he came over to clean the table. he courteously asked if he can take it back, wif a smile. i smiled back, n "yes". somehwo, i soemtimes cannot diff betwn cute n yandao. he in the middle, ie. he's kinda cute, but not those cutie pie. not exacly yandao oso. thus, in the mid. some ppl may jus conclude he's cute. mi, now he's still in mid. maybe if i see more of him, will find him cute? haha, right now, he;s the motivation for mi to head there haha... jus seeing him gd enuff...

hope no 1 get offended haha...

watching ch 8 "nurse show". the couples in the show started off bickering wif each other. now, they r a pair, n find it quite odd to be romantic, n lovey-dovey. haha, dinno tat... i'm sure this apply to real life oso... dinno tat such loggerhead romance can exist oso...

i jus took my supper. damn. as tho i really understand myself so much. i kena flu, den i thot most prob'ly i'll need to take my supper soon. denr eally, at 12am, i know i muz buy liao, cos i felt weak n wobbly in an instant.

i am slightly sick.

these days, really dunno how come. i cant stay up till past 12am. have i become cinderella? last night, about 12am liao, den i once again, felt tired, n rested on bed, next thign i know, i am sleeping wif my specs on.

funny. dun luff ok.

i had a shock. at my age, at this time, i can still suffer from wet dreams??? i really wasn't doing much at night. but i had a dream of some guys.

i was held up in the air n my arms tied to some things behind mi. really up int he air.. like mid sky. n swinging around. the wind is blowing, my shirt is opened up apart, wif the wind. haha, of cos i felt good abt it. den the wind got stronger n even blew to the back of my waist. it was not those joy ride, but machiam kena kidnap or being played afool.

den later, abt 5 guys. in a room. 3, named A, B, C, confirmed to b flirting with their eyes. den suddenly, B's (B is in those office attire) shirt is pressing onto his chest, making his nipple translucent. den A and C r stroking his nipps. each standing on 1 side. 1 moving his fing (index) above the nipp, 1 moving below the nipp. B of cos VELI songzz, n was enjoyign in his mind.

haha, i was actually watching this 1 on TV (hey, i telling it as i progress into the dream), or rather video. but i realise tat TV is showing another nice show. abt a guy being teased by his frns. so i paused the video. switched over, the story is somehow similar to wat i heard of b4.. the guy was lying on the floor, limbs spread apart, shirt opened up to bare his chest (lean guy), frns (not shown, oni hands) were teasing n caressing his body. teasing him like... "i know u want this lah.."

b4 i know it, i was about to cum. i quickly struggled to squeeze it to control. haha, soemhow it dun work, i know i was squeezing, but seem like some pillow or soemthing is still prssing hard on it. den i woke up. ahah, my bolster. tat was 6am. i quickly cleaned up. den i was thinking, hwo shld i cope wif my asgts n studies? i thot of the pros n cons of my decisions, n decided tat, since i have slight sore throat, i'll take mc.

oni this tiem, i tried diff clinic. hehe, was disappinted. maybe 2 used to good treatmt? at the new clinic, i need to fill up 3 forms. first visit form, registration form, n mc form. kauzzz... den the doc is a female loh. how come i nvr met any good looking docs who i can drool over? den this doc oso veli funny. i told her i got sore throat. she asked, so the fever sudsided? hheheh, i din even say, n she din ask if i got fever. jus check if subsided. huh? :P well her place is quite bad bizz, i cna say. come n go oni 2-3 ppl.

i wanna take the time (i on mc mah) to study. so i guess i better eat my bfast, go home prep den go library. it's a wrong decision... sighzz.. i was thnking if i can b full after eating the bfast siazz. so i went to order noodles. i said wat i dun wan inthe meal. she got irritated. cos 2 many things to rmb. she den passed my order to the cook in hokk. i went to sit.

5 minutes passed. meal not done. 6-7 min den come. come liao, she told mi got put soem odd vege. i dun mind. she went back to get my change. den i saw tat, the meal got put tomato sauce. she came back, i told her tat. "har? u dun wan ketchup oso ah?". she took the noodles back, n left the soup wif mi. den the cleaning uncle came. wanna take the soup, but i declined, cos dun c the need to.

i waited, waited, n waited. still not my turn to get the noodles?? i saw other ppl takign their meals to their tables n realised it's self service. ok. waited again n the noodles is here. she saw the soup is still there. n took back her fresh bowl. where's my utensils??? n the best thing is, she went back to get the utensils (i din remind her at all), n chatted wif a customer for 30 secs. i was sitting there, looking at her. a while later, i rested my head on my arm n still looking at her. she den came over to pass the utenstils.

i den asked her, soup? she said, i still got. i told her, it's cold liao. she pissed. n asked mi to get myself. damn service. as i stood up, i saw a husband walking towards mi haha. he looks good. i went to the stall. she was taking some ingredients from the fridge. i waited there. almost wanan shout for my soup. she den saw mi, ask teh cook to pass some soup, TO THE GEENA. i was thinking, haha, i sure look like kid, but too bad, my thinking is not. to mi, a kid thinking is, u give him watever, he jus take without thinking if it's proper anot. an adult, or some1 who thinks, will think if it's alright n no-prob for him to do it.

she den actually gave mi the bowl of soup to take back to my seat. huh?? the soup is hot, n i take it wif bare hands?? she was holding the soup, n i jus took a tray from her stall, n she jus dropped it onto the tray. i held it well. n made my way back. haha, another auntie was behind mi, she seem to wonder wat happened. in my heart, i was realyl feeling, this MUZ b a family biz, so they bochap service attitude. n i'll never go back there to eat. its the first experience that count. if attitude is bad, den nothing can help.

btw, for long time, i never go such neighbourhood place in wkday morning liao. wah, today i go this place eat, see so many AUNTIES buying fruits n vege. haha, aunties' time in the morning siazz. n the kopi shop at my place, now i know why it still surviving. cos it's for the morning biz...

oh ya, the bfast was taken at Keat Hong shop ctr, 2nd flr. when u go up the esc, it's on the right. bah chor mee stall.

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hehe, tok abt chilling out, altho charmed is no longer tat attractive, i cant blif i really skipped it totally... haha...

now, watching Ch U's 10pm show. the guy, ZJH and the ger TLJ, the ger has been hiding her love for him for yrs. the guy had been treating the ger as a mere tomboy buddy. den, he wanted to encourage the ger to go for LTR wif her crush (he dinno it's him). the ger ask him out for dinner. over dinner, she hinted that she wnana try a romantic kiss. then guy den offered. he said he's been treating her as a buddy. but it's just on the surface. he's been in love wif her all the time. but feared rejection from her. he is really in love wif her. will she still treat him like a buddy?

the ger heard these, n was very happy inside her. she cried out loud, expressing her love to him. den as they are abt to kiss, the guy simply jumped away, telling her excitedly, tat she finally made it, but she shld say those lines in a softer tone. den her crush will surely fall for her.

gosh.......... i can imagine how sad she is... as he is expressing his "love" for her, she took it for real. she dinno he's jus puttign on an act. not sure, but i think he shld have at least, told her he will pretend it. at least she will know it's not for real. but dunno lei, maybe he realyl dinno she's in love wif him, so din put tis line in.

shall see how the story develops..

last night din have time to write much, cos GOSH, i got home past 12!! n had to take mrt instead siazz.. on way back, i felt tat i've not taken mrt for so LOOOONNNG time liaozz.. feel a BIT alien.. jus a bit.

watching Ch... umm, Arts Central " Child Of Our Time 2002: Thanks For The Memories". the... doctor? ask the parents to list out 5 things tat bring them both hapyp n sad memories.. they managed to do it. but oni 1 item. at this pt, for the happy part, i oni managed to think of my Oz pals. think of how i knew them. for the sad part, i actually cant think of any. den a guy in the show mentioned "carrying his late dog in his arms". den i rmb i was sad too.

how come i dun rmb my sad events? cos i'm not thinking tat much? or cos i dun wan rmb it tat easily, to make myself live better? n jus now watching Ch 5's villa wellness. showing the trailer for next wk. the gers r fighting to reduce their wt, n stay healthy. den the producers showed videos of their families encouraging them to push on. yes, the scene is touching. i felt the warmth. has the recent happening opened the blockage to my emotions? well, my heart remains locked. still.

i'm saying these, cos in the past, seeing such scenees, i will oni feel, "oh well, some cncouragement". i'll not feel the warmth from them.

somehow, last night while i was drinking, i kinda felt once again i was relieved, or released. i jus wan to dance tot he lounge music. shake my body off... stress? perhaps...

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ya loh, willliam, i almost wanna ask who is the anony guy this time.. * oh well, the docu show pretty nice.. showing how humans' memories could b wrong at times... cos wif an imaginative mind, 1 can concoct an incident into the mind and convince oneself over time (1 wk? 2 wks?) tat the incident did happen. tok later..* haha, ya abt anony guy. den i saw it's u hahha...

wel,l it's fun to have a drink at times. i can control ymself not to be drunk .dunw orry. at times, drinking a bit is good for health :) but if u have been sober, u wun b claiming to be cute... haha..

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ok.. about the show. to cut it short, parents were brought to a room, n shown a series of pictures. 1 of them was during their childhood days, they were taken for a ride in hot air balloon wif daddy. they really dun rmb it happening. but it looked VERY real. but the pic is doctored. they were told to think abt it for 5 minutes every night and come back 2 weeks later.

time's up. only 1/3 really cant remember wat exactly happened... ok about 6 adults took the test. 2 cant rmb wat happened. 1 of these 2 even doubted if it happened. others all concocted stories of how the scene was, wif their parents standing here/there, preparing this tat, n how it felt. in e end, they were told it's a doctored pic.

ok... now, here comes doctor KTV. i was asked if i appear/behave like 25yo guy. well, it depends on ur definition of 25yo. supposed to be matured, n serious as it's 25 yo and working for yrs liao. OR hip n trendy cool n sporty? it depends on how u grow up, ur environment. wun say any1. jus say mi. i dun look 25, yes i know. my actions n behavioour may not b 25. but who determines tat? my success in career? life? frnship? well. i can oni say, from a tender age, till mine, if u did not improve or change or learn anything at all, tat is a waste of your time. but if u leartn and changed over time, u at least have grown up n maturwed to a certain extent.

the more u go thru in ur life, N LEARN FROM IT, the more matured u'll b in thinking. at times, even a person 3 yrs ur jnr may know more than u, if tat jnr has been thru more than u.

at my work today, kauzz,i was framed siazz... den, the fat sup, unexpected ask mi to the boss myself. KAUZ! when soemthign happen, he jus stand at the side??

wah long time enver drink liao. went to chill out. in end, i felt tipsy.. cos i drank vodka 7up at 1 go, n face damn red... hahaha..

got home. had wanna jus blog. but i received my web design asgt 1 results. GOSH!!! i failed!!!! wat e hell happened!?! fail by 5 marks???? wat e hell????? everythign was done accordding tot he marking criteria, den now, the resutls came back, n feedback was, we din follow the study guide guidelines in the design???? wat logic?!?! i checking wif him now. kauz

now ch u is showing korean show 10pm. last night, tat hunk got bathign scene. haah, the negatives jus died :) i really enjoy the storylines :)

this mornign, i was late for work. veli funny. i slept at 12am. den thru the night, i think i same, woke at certain intervals. but later, i woke up at 7+?? how come? worse thing, when i woke, my eyes were painful i cant open it smoothly. siaozz. but i still got to work lah. but hor, wah liao, i boarded bus, sat down on 2 seater. 1 bulky old man... or mid age man sat beside mi. thot nothing. but once he sit down, his foot step onto the tip of my shoe! n pushed his thigh to touch mi. i din budge.

he straightened his leg, den came over. kauz, i pissed. i cross my leg. so my shoe tocuhed his jeans. he moved legs away, patted it to clean it. i still din budge. so, he looked back, n moved off hahah...

work was as usual loh..

ok.. serious stuff...

i think wiliam guy is right. this morning, i was queueing for my bus. i suddenly thot of my situation. yes, i'm still unable to let go of my moods. i am still trapped. i dun dare commit to anything now. thus the conflict. so i think i'll treat him as, wat i told him, CUTE who i can click wif.i jus hope no body bother us again, wif unintentional ill intents. sound confusing? hahah.. i jus wan to lead a simple n peaceful life.

anyway, shld i b happy tat, i've finally deleted a contact from my msn? n strange.. quite qiao... the spider that has been living in my room for mths... recently moved out. n the ice cream vendor who i often buy ice cream from, is injured, n will sell again oni in 1st oct...

gosh... blogspot is not smooth operating.

dinr eally expect CUTE to read the blog so fast. anyway, the definition of cute is, it depends on who u are looking at, n the person is being looked at. it's a feeling. someone can say a person's cute, but that person may appear avg, normal or even, eeee. but wel,l beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

if u dun think u'r cute, above is my explanation. but if u shy to admit it, ahha,. it's another case!!!

but hor, wat i despise is... or r those ppl who claim n crown themselves as cute. where got ppl so thick skinned say he's cute 1?? if ppl dun comment, fair enuff liao.. wah stil muz say "i not cute meh???".. in end, oni paiseh n sia suay oneself =D

but for my exams, i din pass, cos i wasn't tat well prepared for it yet. for the basic, i had the study guide to prep mi. fo the advanced 1, i oni depends on the lecture notes. but these have no connection to the monash classes i skip.

haha, william pal, thx for thinking it thru for mi... unless some ppl who jus care abt claiming to b Mr Cutie. CLAIMING TO B. wel,l i do try not to "relive" the past, but when it leave some impressio in mi, i do get reminded at tinmes. thus at times, i'm at a loss.

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today i went to buy the exam voucher again. 266.75$ again. haha, i veli extravagant hor?? i oredi reserve e guide liao, n intend to borrow it by this wk, den study for it. i jus check my monash exam schedle. 24/10 n 28/10 is my exam day. 19th is my (tuff) asgt due date. so i think my java exam can b se tot 1st of oct.saturday. dunno temp plan still. but tis java exam, i'm determined to pass.

but to buy the voucher, i had not much time for lunch. end up, i buy oni 3 sotong balls for my lunch. cool huh? den pull thru the day. den wah liao, jus as i abt to go home, it RAIN!! pouring so heavy siazz!!! dunno whether tot ake train or bus home. cos train sure veli fast. bus may jam, n slow. but i still decided to take bus. haha boarded the bus. strange, cos i know inside of bus got space to stand, i moved in. den after 2 stops, the guy i facing is alighting, so i got a seat LOL. yes it's crowded.

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some conflicts is running thru mi again. i dunno wat made mi conflcit myself. u know, a frn of mine.. my ex-master, he got tix to a free entry in gym for trial test. he invite mi along since it's free. wkday after work. he told mi on fri or sat. i say need time to plan n think, cos my timing still veli messy. den today, he ask again, i say not free, cos wanna prep java. he of cos bobianzz

den, CUTE ask mi if got job to intro. i check wif my frn. frn say maybe can try luck at some pubs/bars. n can probably meet up n see if CUTE can be taken in. i am the mid guy. we decided to meet 2 days later. i originally thot can get them to mit, i dun need join in. but then, they duno each other. i still need to b ice breaker. at tis ppoint, i din make any adjustment to my plan. i felt tat i shld meet n intro them, so CUTE may get job. so i jus agreed to mit.

wat abt my ex-master? is this double treatment? y is this happening? wat am i doing?

anyway, after dining @ home, i actually was singing "2 hearts, 4 rows of tears" to myself. all the way home. i din sing in sad tone, more of jus humming it softly. meaning to say, i din feel scared to sing. yes it's soft, but at least i manage to still hum it out even when i walking past ppl. usually, my voice will go silently auto'ly.

i seem to discover another side abt myself. yes, i've been single for 2-3 wks. during these times, i have kinda not been myself. in the sense, i dun observe tat much in public. in past, watever happen, i'll b observant/kaypoh to turn n look to see wat happen. even if nothing, i'll jus lok around to see the place/env. but now, even if i know someone is behind me wanting to over-take, ppl beside mi n i shld give way, all these eg scenes, i dun give a damn to them. i'll jus do my things as tho i never see them.

n as i said, on bus, i seldom look up to see the crowd n look around. i jus look outside windows, n dun care who r on the bus. jus in my own single life world.

i wonder if this is my after-effect. ie, i givign up on my social n usual life, dun give a damn abt wat's going on anymore. simply living in oni a "i the only person alive" world. i really duno.

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here comes another conflict of mine.

i recently know of a frn. we had declared each other as cute. so, maybe i refer to him as CUTE. last wk, we went out after my class. not exactly went out. we met up for a drink, n later went kai kai n tok loh. he's much younger than mi, so at times, i know y he's doiung some things. i wonder if this will cut down the thrill n excitement on surprises. we did enjoy our time toking, (cat) fighting, teasing. den i sent him home on his bus.

this wk, i wanan relax. cos i know i coop up too much n wnana relax b4 i embark on anothwer mission. so i ask him again for ktv. but he's working tat day. need to leave in early evening for it. my class is 1-4pm. den i was trying to fix a good time for us both. i checked the lecture notes for this wk. seem maangeable. so i actually decided, i'll skip this wk lecture, so tat can meet him up n go ktv.

after routine family bfast, i din tell family tat i meeting frn, but said i going class. i really have no idea. i actually skipped my class to meet him up for a leisure event. yes i can argue tat i need to relax, so alright to skip class. but it's not right. but i dun have regrets skipping it.

den went around shopping, n finally to ktv. along the way, did lotsa bitching, teasing, fun stuff, screaming n making fun. hhe, pretyt enjoyable. altho i'm much older than him, but my size n look make mi seem his age. esp when i dress up in teen attire. i dunno wat's going on wif mi. on 1 hand, a recent break made my life hell. on other, i enjoy the time spent wif CUTE.

he's someone who i can tease n joke wif. similar to my Oz pals. oni diff, he's CUTE. btw, frequent mention of "CUTE" dun carry any emphasis on it. jus my way to refer to him, n my view of him. maybe as he's much younger, he dun have much thots hidden inside him. so easier for mi to click wif him. n we are frns, so the barrier of the common aj thinking dun affect us. cos we know our opinions of each other, we seem to have no obstacle in praising each other, or crude jokes.

we have good impression of each other, so we r quite ok wif certain gestures from us. i dun have qualsm acepting those gestures. n maybe he's thos thinking type, he can understand certain thigns to a level, no need mi to tell directly. n from the ktv, we share similar.. or jus frankly, same interest/hobby. i think i jus found antoehr ktv kaki. he been thru proper trainin so lota things, i can share my thtos wif him. n he's not afraid to "hurt" mi. i find this pretty fun. ie, when it comes to fun, play hard. when it comes to concern, shower it.

can any1 tell mi wat am i doing? wat's in my mind? i'm confused.

as to wat happened today, i gues nothig needs to b told.other than, i'm making a complaint.

jus had a tour of singapore... why i suddenly had a tour? well, for 1 wk, i been... going work, coming home for 5 days in a row. den today, i went for my class, had exposure to after office hr living. have a lot to say. will write them 1 by 1.

for a long time, i not been going out n visiting the "human" world. y i say so? 'cos for these days, i jus been.. as above, going work, den home. all r cooped up in a corner. din get a breather at all. today, all i rmb, left impression on mi, are as follows:

i deferred my monash for 1 whole yr. i attended course for 1 yr, defer 1 yr. during tat 1 yr of studies, i know all the things they taught. know as in, ez for mi to grasp. or at least, i got time to read n understand. den now, defer 1 yr, those knowledge almost 90% lost. plus, ever since i prep for my java, i dun wan delay any time, n so oni watch news. if miss, or din pay attention, den duno wat going on. den din read Digital Life oso. really... danm it, my knowledge in computer really damn jialut. n din read paper oso.

so jus now, in lesson, i dunno wat're platters, cylinder, track, sector sound familiar but still stranger. wat's more, i ask the tr, he oso explain oni surface to mi. dinr eally go into details. i dun think he can explain in tat details anyway. cos everytime he explain thigns, somehow assume we know lotsa basics. den today in class, i find tat, EVERYone was so quiet n so "attentive". jus listen n din ask anything at all. i thot, do they really understand, or they oso blur, but dun wan / dun dare ask qns? for fear they apepar idiot.

if they really know, wat for they attend class? if they dunno, e tr explain liao, they get it, gd. cos they know thebasics, tr explain a bit, they grasp better. but most of them... do they really understand?? some ppl, they oso ask qns during breaks. it shows they really dun get the whole picture. in end, when i ask, i somehow felt like i delayingthe progress of some students. but i dun care. cos i paid money for the class. i know i din read the books or notes, but since i dun get it, i might as well ask. if the tr feel tat oni mi dun get the pt, he shld know to reply mi later, when during break.

if i dun ask, den later, i still blur, wat for i attend class? but later, finally, got ppl ask qns. i din attend the class for 1 whole mth (cos java). den last wk, i oso ask 1 or 2 qns. tis wk oso. but this wk, got 2 students oso ask qns. i feel as though, i inspired / encourage them to.

in the class, got 2 guys who... most metrosexual (it means ppl who know how to doll n take the time to doll themselves up rite? damn it dun exist in dic.com) in the class. 1 of them, he came class late, n sat beside mi. someone passed the attendance list to mi, so i wanna pass to the person who jus came in. the person din see, so jus walk away. den tat guy ask from mi, smiling. i oso graciously passed to him. later, dunno if cos i got too many movements, so he kept fidgetting n looked at times to my side. but i bochap, n kept loking in front.

speaking of inspirations, am i a BAD influence? well, at my home there, got traffic junction. for mi, i understand how the traffic work, when to cross safely even tho it's red man. so i often observed, n crossed the road when it's safe. DEN... 2 times, i notice tat, these days ppl oso start to cross teh road when it's safe!!! damn it!! am i influencing so many ppl, n so badly???? plus, in the past, when after alighting from bus, ppl usually wait at the busstop, until the road is clear den cross. for mi, i will keep moving towards my destination's direction, till i can cross. den lately, oso realise tat, ppl r following my pattern. gosh..........

after class, i went off. trobuled. cos i know, for my next asgt, i again blur abt wat to do. sianzz. den on my way home, some boys are playing balls. i really envy them. they got so much time to relax n enjoy. for mi, i cant. no spare cash. my bank got money to use yes. but i still need to pay for my monash. yes of cos i can ask my famiy for money. but for wat? 25yo, n still ask for money to use? as tho i not working? my mum is not even asking mi for home allowance. i also hope to buy things, n enjoy life, but same thing i can't. i need to fight for my future, n go for it. i know i'm still leading a tuff life. every workday, i spend about $2 for food, 60c for melon n half an apple. although i oni half full, well, when i get home, i can feast myself on home cooked meal. i find tat, the costly time is on sat. lunch i eat 2.50 + 80c. n finally dinner is 250-3$. even these i muz calculate clearly.

after my SCWCD (advanced java) exam, i thot i can b transferred to programming dept, n earn more $$ , have a better life. n wif someone, pave a better path for our future. but none happened. i'm happy tat, till now, tat prog dept stil lkeen to offer mi a job. thot tat after getting more money, dun need to chamz life liao. but i think my big break is not here here. i stil need to strive a while, b4 i can. i'm not gonna give up. cos nothign will happen if i do. n i'll have nothing too. n i hope to fight for my future together wif my Oz frns.

den i oso saw some ppl playing rollerblade. is there a new design?? cos their blades seem to have a gap between every 2 wheels. sighzz.. so much temptations. long time din ice skate. long time din roller blade. $$. the cause of all evils, but oso the road to happiness.

went down further to take my dinner. on teh way, saw another sec sch boy. wah liao, he seem fashion disaster siazz. he wearing a dark (blue) pattern shirt. den it's those baggy type. top 2-3 butts undone. den bottom 1 or 2 butts undone oso. as he walked towards mi, wind was blowing, i saw 1 side of the shirt blown up, revealing his left tummy. he was shy n paiseh, saw my eyes, pulled the shirt back, n looked very-scaredy-boy at mi. i was stunned at his dress sense. i dunno how to express tat thru my eyes, so, my eyes were on him till he almost reach my 180 deg.

he shld have worn a smaller shirt... oh well, still depend on wat image he wnana proj lah.. cos i think he wanna sppear sexy n good. den was having my dinner, i ask the uncle "gu ni tam poh". haha, he say "jus say siu tai will do". later when he took it to mi, he even explained "siu tai means less milk. " n.. some "tai" to mean more milk. haha. den some other ppl wanna order kopi, but he din hear, so i patted him to go over :) hey, fish leong.. got new song again. other than the Ch 8 song, got new song again. wah, she is the longest surviving ger inthe music scene i think. although not those "come out shoot to fame", she managed to stay on all thees yrs. well done. kudos.

til now, for those i dated b4, got 2 guys who i still haven't gotten over. 1 guy is from 2002. tat time i met him, i say i still miss him. den he was damn insistent on not giving mi his number again. hehe, now i understand his intentions.

den ch 8 got a show, abt marriage counselling. i watched it. n thot i might as well write down my POV too. i know, .... err... although i had a bad patch this period, i still know wat i'm looking for, in my heart.

2 persons dun have to be sticking to each other in order to feel in love.
jus like good frns, but we can share our thoughts n dreams.
our trust in each other shldn't b shaken jus 'cos someone said something.
always ensure u can trust tat person u r in love. cos, if u dun trust him, doubts will b there forever, leading to no bliss.
so tat, since u can trust him, u dun need to ask urself if he's telling the truth.
always b there to share each other's problems.

seem like, as i grow older with time, my view of Love changes... well, i guess as 1 matures n have his own way of living, his vision of a hot and memorable romance cools down. i think this is why, those who dated since teen days, can date for 5-10 yrs n mary. those who r working oredi, may marry after 2-24 mths of knowing.

n 1 last thing. *been writing this blog since 631pm 10 sept. i know i wanna write soemthing, but cant rmb.* in the past, i was very soft hearted. anything happened, i'll be very forgiving. as long as the person say tat he wun do tat again, i'm ok, and everythign will b fine.

now, when i've been working for 3 yrs, have i grown harder-hearted? on the surface, i can say i have. i no longer appear soft n weak in front. if someone blame mi for something, i am able to either accept it, or defend myself. how abt inside? i'm not sure if i m frank abt it, am i exposing my weakness? for now, i can oni say, for those who know mi, if u did thigns tat made mi angry or watever, u shld know how u can make mi ok again. for thoe who wanna know, if i comfy wif writing it out, u will see it here...

jus thot of another thing. jus... sighzzz at my work place. the fat sup. on 1 hand, he was always trying his "best" to encourage mi to do better. den at our meeting, he commenting to the snr, she shld not put in the unofficial items into our itenery, giving tat i, mi, myself, me, yes mi, may mistake it n use it as an official item. she den jus shot out "wah, den i better quickly take out tat item.." sup den say "hey, dun do tat lah".

when i first heard her, i giggled. i thot she again din trust mi n really thot i can't make th diff. but over time, i realise my thinking was wrong. she was sarcastic to sup. cos he actually say i may do tat mistake. so she wanna tok back to him...

kinda feel tat my life in a mess now. everyday, wake up 7am, off for work 725am. work, bitch, discuss, lunch, work, bitch discuss, KO. go dinner, go home, watch Tv. all so routine. am i really so bored wif such life? as the start of the wk, i oso, damn sianzz.. going work again. den, today finally last day of wk, i was excited, som,ehow. these days, my programming self came back to mi, i had wnana do programming for my office. somehow, i really getting tired of helpdesk jobs...

den, i realised tat, if i really put my heart to singign a song, i can sing wif my own style. oso, surprised tat my comment on anonymous bloggers, first time (dunno) visitors are signing off haha..

sighzz.. this blog was supposed to be posted on fri night. but... same, i bath at 11pm, near 12, i felt tired n rested on bed. i jus dozed off till 5am. lights not off, tv still on, specs still sitting on my nostrils.

finally... finished my asgt, submited, den realise their time is abt 2 hrs faster than singapore. damn. few mins late. since my asgt done, i decided to finally SHAVE. damn, this time, i shave till it bleed slightly??

ok, as i promised earlier, i've finished my asgt, n will write wat happened to mi during.... after my last blog on 24th aug 05.

on 23rd night, i studied till i songz. i prepared my things properly n even prepared the attire i worn for my basic java exam, hoping to gain the good luck i had for my first exam. ok, i din really rmb the attire, but i think i worn tat. i got to the place much earlier thani shld. so i did some last min revision as usual. ok time up, go exam.

i sat there. total of 69 qns. first 3 oredi killed 15 mins of my time. i was stunned. i really duno wat gonna happen. ifrst few qns oredi so tuff... cna i survive the rest?? true enuff, as i ans more qns, i really begin to doubt my capabilities. i really need a miracle to happen. in the room, i was almost havign a fit. cos i was figetting so much!! in end, the exam, ans last qn, "check" all ans liao. still left 5-10 mins to kill. i simply no courage to view the results.

later i was told to go n collect my result.i really hope for some good news. the admin ger, shook her head. signed off the paper in red, n wished mi better luck. i took the paper, really stunned n at a loss of wat to do. my 5k is gone. if i pass my exam, i will get back 3k for my subsidy. now totally gone. my bank acct -ve amt liao. my hopes of moving into higher level dashed liao. higher pay, better life, no need scrimp n save till so jialut anymore. the whole world dun mean anythignt o mi anymore. life has no meaning liao.

i had planned to buy gift for ... W rigth after exam, cos i thot i'd pass. but then, i really no mood anymore. dun wan force myself. went downstairs, crossed road n took bus home. i switch off my hp. i felt no pains, no tears inside mi. jus a stunned n lost mi. i really duno wat to do. wat's next. wat gonna happen to my life. i slept ont he bus, or rather, tried to sleep.

i got home, i din bathe, laid down on bed, fully naked n tried to sleep. smehow i rmb, i din manage to cath any wink. perhaps i jus cant sleep. sat up, tried to get into sleep mood, but fail. i msg my mum, tat i eating. i off my hp again. dun wanna get any msg. even from W. i dun wan speak to any1. i went home for dinner. duck rice. i took the meat, n left hte rice untocuhed. really no appetite.

i oso dunno who i can tok to. in fact, (i guess this time can really pour my souls out?) i was really wondering... if i still on toking... or rather good terms wif W, if i call him, wat can he say to mi? my ans: "dun worry, u still have mi!". this ans certainly dun work for mi. i wun feel any better listening to this line. n during tat tiem, i was not on toking terms wif him.. or rather, he wun give a chance to tok.

b4 my exams, i had called him. his tone was so cold n distant. if i this time call him, i dun think i'll better.. may even b worse. at home, i den realised tat, my pals from Oz were VERY cocerned abt mi. they called each other for news of mi, after they failed to get my hp. i really appreciate it. although they have their own probs, they took time to show concern for mi... consoling mi n tell mi stuff. oso shared wif them my prob (studies n W linked). really can't think of anything tat i can do... u know, i was really thinking, in my state, if i meet W up, do i still have to put my (foul) moods aside, n take care of his emotional needs? or can he stand by mi, and b my moral support?

i really dunno.

i was deciding if i wan go work the next morning. i wanna stay home, cos if go work, am i in the mood? can i contribute? but if i dun, wat can i do at home? laze around, n think wild? i think i even feel worse if i alone at home, nothing to do, n think wild. gow rok still.

at work, i still very very quiet. din tok. 90% of the work time, i let down mty head, n looked into thefloor. for lunch, my first ime to order jus fruits. even my colelagues are surprised. seem like 1 guy keen to know wat happen to mi, but i bought the fruits for lunch, so he cant ask mi over lunch. 2nd day liao, so for dinner, i ate better. i rmb, i watched Cu u talk show. quan yifeng was saying "work towards ur dream". this line i always rmb.

n i decided how i'll kill saturday liao. i go bfast, den go home, sing ktv tioll i songzz. den buy lunch, sing, n go out. wah loong time no sing liao. some songs i first tiem sing. i esp like "ren shen hai hai" cos can let mi scream. i din wan go out buy lunch. so jus cook noodles, n watched "zhen xin hua" while eating. duirng the show, e part where fann wong spite "he run dong" (HRD) n HRD wrapped her up, n took her drugs in her face, i somehow felt something. i realise tat, if tears roll down ur cheeks w/o having u to close ur eyes, n it's silently, it's something serious.

den sang till it's time to go to celebrate my office's jnr bday. i was oso... dunno if i shld go anot. if go, can i forget my sorrows for tat time, n enjoy it? i decide to go n relax myself. i made myself promise, i will go no matter wat. i dun wna stay in my room, lest i think wild. true enuff, when i reached my room, i... again wondering if i shld go or jus stay home do my asgt. well, good thing tat i went.

later i got home, dunno if i slept early. on sunday, i finally managed to feel much better. at tat time, i was thinking, if i really wnana have W back, i really need to control my emotions. dun tok so much reasoning wif him. tell him directly hwo/wat i'm feeling. dun need to let him guess. i finalyl switch on my hp on sunday evening. got his 2 calls. i dun wanna pick. no courage to speak to him. no courage to hear his voice. even when he "forced" mi to speak to him, i din wan tok much.

i let him decide when to mit. thot monday can, but he wan tues... den the rest is history...

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ok, now. can help frn do his website liao...

other than the earlier blog, i have a lot of things in my mind... really a lot... mass thots? been thinking, i really been a loner these days, n saving a lot of money, curbing temptations to buy thigns. some ppl, they hav the luxury to buy things at whelm. for mi, i yearn, but i know i cant splurge. den jus now, a ger approach mi to pen for $2 for charity. i promised her i get small change n buy from her. i bought liao. now i wonder, the next tiem, shld i still so soft heart, or i shld check if it's legal sale...

having worked in CS for so long, i kinda tired of it... have to really control my voice n sound frnly, my mood oso. really sick of it. yearn to get out... hopefully, my java cert can help. oso realise tat, nowadays, i so focussed on my studies, i mths din read papers... walk around, find out the latest news. really lost touch wif the world liao.. wat worse, today, a user has prob letting win2k recognise his usb drive. i so stupid to ask him find the drivers. i din think of the usb port maybe spoilt. kauzz.. did i really focus 2 much in studies, tat i lost some general know-how?? maybe...

but today, had fun wif a user... the above user. cos after thigns are resolved, i noticed his pc got instlal diner dash.. so chat wif him abt it. hahah... we both like the game but 2 bad, no crak version for it. den, i pretty glad tat, i still in contact wif a frn... who i did not dare take the initiative.. cos dun wan soemone to b jealous... to make it obvious to tat frn, he sent mi his chn name, i replied wif the chn words, but spelt it wrongly haha, saw the wrong word.. :)

den i realise tt, maybe really cos i think better than my words, sometimes, i really prefer to jus b quiet, n listen to wat ppl say, oni if needed, i say my thots. somehwo, i find tat, if i speak in singlish, i may stutter, or perhaps will. n some of my ideas cant pass thru my words. cos i tend to speak wat's flashing across my mind.. if i think 2 fast, certain ideas oredi flashed thru, n i may not say them out properly. den today, fat sup is demo crystal report generating. i was thinking, this is not jus say say will learn. u have to try out. in this case, u tell us for wat? y not we take initiative n play wif it? n we all IT ppl, reports, we play around a while, sure can find out soemthing. y bother training us for it?

if we are required to use it for work, train us ok. but if u train is jus FYI, y bother?

n.. i kinda decided how to plan my time for monash n java. monash exam in mid oct onwards. 1 more.. or maybe 2 asgt due in mid sept. so, most prob, i arrange my java 2 b after asgt. finish it, n prep exam. do i sound ambitious? i need to plan. i dun wan drag too far..

den on wednesday, i somehow, really dun miss charmed show anymore. cos the stories really stray till i cant accept it. come in zankou, avatar, magic sch, normal ppl who r exposed n able to hve fun wif magic for 1 day without penalties (in past, if magic is exposed, they r warned n dealt wif. and i rmb, when their powers were "stolen" during prue time, they did not freeze when the thief tried it, as good witches dun freeze. but this season, they did), and stuff... really dun feel the impt'ce of it...

these days, am i really 2 strezz? cos... i cant stay up later than 12am. once reach 12, i start yawning, n mind goes blank. i even had to sleep n wake up at 3am so i feel refresh enuff to do asgt. even if not doing asgt, if i jus doze off... or even proper rest, i will wake 3am 4 5 6am... sianzz... is it normal of mi, not to look at guys? or i'm not myself still? cos the normal mi, wil observe n look around in the bus to ... look around. but these days, i jus look into the windows n dun bother abt the ppl around mi.

today, when i went to work, wah liao, jus wonder y some ppl so inconsiderate. ppl trying to squeeze into lift, others jus stick to teh entrace of the lift, dun wanna move in at all... cant they put themselve in the shoes? n hor, on the road, unless u have evidence, if not unfair thigns will not b justiced. cos soem drivers, knowing it's isolated area, dun give a damn abt crossing into the pedestrian walkway. n today witnessed 1 scene. a taxi, somehow suddenly dun care abt traffic light. n jus made a turn. an approaching car thus horned heavily. i looked. wah really surprised too...

think above is all i wanna write...

i really dunno who the hell is the anony gyu. every person who comments at my blog has the courtesy to sign off with a name. oni this anony guy, who takes every chance to blast at mi, does not even have the courage to identify himself. i wonder if i shld learn to have the courtesy of ignoring his comments from now on.

anyway, this evening, knocking off from work, i heard "WBT" song. wah liao.. i really shkldn't have listened to this song at all. jus made mi so sad

*... oh my gawd... ch 8 is having a drama which has a scene of protests abt breast feeding in public. wah kauzz.. same old story n tactic. when will they ever learn???? Ch U had a show which showcases lesbian as loving female couples. tat is COOL. den now ch 8 showing such old news on dramas. wat they trying to show?? they support breast feeeding oso??*

a wk back, i know i muz reserve a bk if i wanna pass my java SCWCD. i reserved it. tday i jus got the letter. nice. den as i walk home, 2 scenes made mi link to the book.

1) i had wnana cross traffic. usually, as the light turned red, but no 1 press the button, the green man wun come out. den today, the lgiht almost turning red, i was losing hope tat i can still cross. but i still decided to try. in end, the green man came out. i was... surprised.

2) i was crossing a junction wif no traffic. den although the car is approaching, i still crossed it w.o problem.

these 2 seem to relate to my challenge n fate wif java.. LOL

watching ch U korean show. i really... imrpessed by how much effort the ger can put in to get the guy. n the guy's side oso. it's really touching, to see how much the guy is doing to refresh the ger's memory...

watching Ch U's korean show. cool, i liek the tactics used... n the.. surprised given LOL.. jus like mi hehehe...

oni 2 songs can express my thots.

wen bie

wo hen wo ai ni

i felt something. love can gradually turn into hatred.

rushing to finish my asgt now. will blog wat happened during last week after i finish. the details. nothing to disclose, jus to update those concerned abt mi.

anyway, today, as i finish my class, a poly/jc boy was sitting beside mi. he seems to be those kind who in denial of their orientation. cos, the bus almost packed. he sat beside mi. den he keep arranging his bag stuff n placement of his things for abt 5 mins. 5 mins, not jus 1. u know? while adjusting, his arm naturally rubbed onto mine. i din bother abt it. n i din look at him at all.

dem later, his... hp (black) dropped. he was trying to pick it up from the floor. cant find it, he moved his things away. still cant find it. (all these while, his "find" is put his hand below our seats to cruise for it.) so he stood up. so i tried to help him. i looked thru the gap between our seats, n saw tat black thing. so i gestured the lady behind us to pick for us. tat jc guy saw it oso. so they both reached out their hands to pick it up. the guy took it and sounnded "thank you". i looked at him n smiled back. he lost his smile suddenly.. like those "zat teo".

later, he no longer moved so much, not even at all. he was sitting properly wif a lil space between us. a whle later, his bag fell off. he picked it up, n arrange thigns again. wah, i felt like offering him to put the bag between us siazz. den, at times, i noticed that, he look into my direction sheepishly.. u know, i noted tat he delibrately scrached his head so he can look into my direction. isn't this sheepishly?

den, he grabbed his bag to put on his lap, and hug it to have nap. den he often will fall to my side n shoulder lean onto mi siazz. but when he wake, he'll b surprised. but soon, nap again. ok lah, since he's a boy, ok loh, let him lie. i rmb, if some frns of mine hear it, esp tat leslie guy, sure say i biased. some guy, i ok let them lean. if some older guys, i sure show attitude. hahah...

somehow, nearing the terminal stop, got some boys board bus, n i feel tat they looking at us, when the jc was leaning... not sure, din bother to check. den later, as approaching terminal stop liao, he woke up n made sure there is some distance between us. but funny to say, he alighted faster than mi, but when i alighting, he was stand at the ground there, n stood back up in the bus, 'cos he forgot to scan the card... LOL...

been thru a bad week.

monash studies, few asgts coming up all e way, but i dun even know wat the qns are toking abt. tried to do last min reading up, but find tat, perhaps due to loss of lotsa blood, i get dizzy ezly. so on bus, i cant really focus on reading the notes, or the books. esp when the book seem to assume u know the stuff, n mainly focus on wat it wanna preach. just tat. it does not elaborate much. jus assume u know it, n explain to u wat it wants.

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elton, thx for ur support. the anony guy, perhaps jus wanna tell mi off, without caring abt other things. isn't this wat bitching mean?

i did try my best to save us, but he decided to let go. i can't force him, can i? i even tried CPR, but he simply said, it's better to let go.

==========================

jus finished reading the new groups for my 3rd asgt in 2 mths of starting the monash module. siong? i havent even started yet. n it due on 7th sept. later still need to help my pal do his web proj, whcih i WILL. now waiting for uploading of files to be done, den i embark on my asgt liao. tis period, time mgt really SUCKS. 5 day work wk, 2 classes in the wkend right in mid of the day. wkend nromally can use to rush asgt. but us, it's for attending classes. signzz.
war's worse, the module which need lotsa focus, it's so damn hard. the book is wat i describe above. i think this time, in order to rush, i need to b smart, n read oni those sections tat required to do asgt.

*phew uploading done liao........ i was excited 1 moment, n depressed e next. excited cos, upload finish, can boot pc in linux. depress cos can i really work out wat needed in asgt? stress*

wah, after so long never blog liao, now it's timet o update my current condition. some bitching to do. some comemnts to reply. some updates to write. after updating, i wun know wat will happen to it. disppwar into thin air? or stay on, cos it's part of my life nowadays. dunno, cos my feels have not settled down yet

==========================

bitching:
- seem tat this anony guy, really made it a pt to b anony. neither virgil nor W know u.
- well, if a frn visits a page, does he need to inform everyone? not many of ur kakis are concerned to find out abt mi, thus they dun bother to check out this site.
- exams need full focus to do well. if u hear some bad news, n for 1 wk, u dun hear anythign from ur loved (pun intended) ones who are the afected ppl, r u able to forget abt it, n focus on ur books? if u can, congrats. i've not reached tat cold state yet. i'm still a very feeling person.
- whether or not, W needs a guy like him, is not for u to comment or criticise. u can let him know ur view n wat u'll do, but why are u encouraging?

- willieam, thx for ur support all the way... n ur effort to blog, when u usually email..

- sonya, well, bitches are labelled as one. they dun call themselves to b so, or know they are, unless ppl call them. :)

- since when did my frn sonya speak up for mi?
- knwoing u wun affect anythign, but at least i'll know this person has the courage to own up to wat he wrote. if not, it's another wilful comment posted in the cyber world. if u are matured enuff to post comemnts whcih u think are so god damn righteous, why is there a need to hide urself?
- if u think a relation is destructive, by all means, break from it. but if ur frne tink it's destructive, but u feel otherwise? wat ppl need usually, are support from frns, not suggestions.

- carameal, gosh, thanks for dropping by. guess u've never seen my site in such comment-ful state. but.. well, although we aren't together anymore, i dun prefer to use such direct words still...
- well, i guess i had to let it go somehow

- leave us alone? thanks for suggesting it. i hope this line has been in ur mind all along, rather than just this period.

==============================

in order to update my reg visitors all at 1 go, i guess it's best to write in blog. used to it anyway.

met up wif W. (still pretty keen to write "my boi"). had a headache in morning, but still insisted on meeting him. i wore all those things tat he bought for mi, hoping will leave an impression on him. took our diner, n chatted halfway when we felt it's better to go public space, where we will not b able to create scenes.

there, had a long chat. i had wanna start all over again, cos i, over the lonely week, know wat went wrong, n how i shld deal wif it. during the 1 wk, i felt another person. i felt my heart is overwhelming mi, making mi feel my heart. i start to know why W is behaving in all these manners. too bad these happened oni after the fatful day.

i had tried to assure him, tat i'll take care of his emotions. however he rejected, as he does not want history to repeat. saying tat's it's not possible to change within such shrot time. n the more we change, e more we become diff. he felt we've come to an end, n shld lead our lives separately once again.

i tried my best to get him back, but he was adamant on discontinuing it. he told mi to take care of ymself. i can't promise him tat. he dun wan mi make him weep, cos he may go weak n agree to start over. but he know he shld not.

i started to relate, how i got my gifts for him, n how much these mean to him. but he was insistent on leaving. he had wanna call mi by my pet name gain. i refused, cos it'll oni make mi feel terrible.

lastly, we parted. he said that, after parting we can still b frns. i doubt so. cos if i see him, i'll need to control myself from hugging him. if we go wif his frns, who can tag along? he left, n i wait for my bus. on way home, i msg him sweet nothings, hoping he'll come back. well, he was jus very keen to break off from mi, laweving no chance for reconcilation.

i had assured him, now tat i kno how to tok wif his heart, i am in better position to deal wif thing. but he said it's too late. if i keep pushing him, he will oni have to make a painful decision.

n his decision was, "it's happier for him to leave this reln than to continue"

well, i accept it. if it's his decision. but this time around, i'm finally able to understand why, ppl could be numbed by affairs of the heart to want to start off another reln. it's just too tiring and painful.

if he's not so direct, i would like set myself to win him back by our next mth anni, but he's chosen the path.

================================

tat's all folks.

sighzz.. soemthign... bad?... happened...

oh well, recv 2 comments here. now, doing last stage prep, shall reply tat tmr.

my boi has jus closed down his blog, and moved to a new one. if the meeting this thursday is not a fruitful 1, i can expect somethign bad to happen to mi.

i finally understand n realise, if a frn is sad, why we muz not mention the names of those ppl involved. after bfast wif family, i went back home. if someone mention abt my boi at this time, i blif i'll go silent. to think, when my dog left us, i can still tok n chat wif ppl abt how come it died. but tis time, at the mention of my boi's name, i blif i may jus weep.

perhaps my pessimistic self has come back once again. if somethign is to happen to us, i really have no idea wat gonna happen to mi. work, i'll still do. but my life, will b in a total mess.

I HEREBY VOW THAT I'LL MAKE MY BOI FEEL LOVED N PROTECTED ONCE AGAIN!

how come so qiao. i strugglign to finish my java prac. once a while, i'll watch TV. so qiao, certain scenes appear make mi think abt mi, n my boi. those lovey dovey scenes, n those tiff scenes. i really feel like crying (n yes, i wept). not being able to b wif him when he needs mi most, making him so angry tat he dun sms mi anymore.

i jus came home after dinner. on way home, i can imagine the pain my boi is going thru now. it makes mi so sad. my eyes are all watery. i even had to look at the sky to ctrl myself. my boi....

---------------------

as i jus got home, i realise my room has been broken into again. too much evidence for mi to discover, jus 2 much. if he read my blog, he shld know wat to do.

perhaps after my exams, i'll move out aagain. cos there's no way to prevent him from trespassing into my room.

watching Ch U, showing tian shan tong lao. gong li, the butch, saw her lover, lin ching hsia lying dead on the bed. gong hug lin, saying "they haven't finished the last tune yet". it's touching....... my eyes getting watery again...

w/o my boi by my side, i begin to get flustered. still rmb, 1 time, i sms him something. he duno wat i meant, so he called his frns in midst of night, asking their opinions. now it seem to be happening to mi. his sms to mi were suddenly so cool n calm. now i wonder if i shld also ask my close frns for advice...

during our 3 mths, sometimes he feel tat he's a bad bf, cos it seem like, watever i tell him, it does make sense. he feel bad he din think of the conseq tat i told him. but come to think of it, y shld i impose such reasoning onto him? i din manage to catch this emotional side of him, but merely kept asking him to think of wat'd happen shld he do tat. y din i jus tell him nt to do it?

i jus hope tat, 25th of aug, will b a romantic day for us both.

---------------------------

jus got home, from "my classes". damn it. really stuck here. both asgt, do haflway. 1 asgt, the tr inform via tmc tat he'll go into the asgt briefing at the class, after lesson, today. i really dunno if i shld attend it, learn more how to do asgt, or simply carry on wif prep for java. in end, i thot i need to go back office to get some files, so might as well go ahead.

everythign seem perfect. when i got to class, the tr oredi 3/4 thru asgt briefing. ok, i got to classes oni 30 min b4 it end. i was stunned tat during the class, he go into briefing liao, instead of starting it after proper lesson finish. den later, he started to guide those who stayed back to learn more. i oso duno how/wat to ask. seem like it's a waste of time for mi. cos i really thot, i can get some obvious hints on asgt, den no need spend so much time. but end up, he oni emphasize on how to find the ans. i really blur liao. 22nd is asgt due date. 29 is cutoff date. duno, siao liaoz.

25 is my exam, now when i resume my prac, it dun seem to work tat fine. n i forgot, really forgot wat i did in the previous exercises. i assume the earlier ex were pretyt important as they set the foundation for mi. now i oni got 2 choices, to restart on the whole prac, or try to resume where i left. but may lose my foundation.

i really duno.

watching re-telecast of male superstar. wept again when hear Tong Hua. i really miss my boi terribly. it's as though i overseas, no way to tok to him, other than internet. sighzzzzz

these days, been fighting for my ... life? i really owe a lot to my boi... after work, got an sms from my boi. suddenly, i seem to contract flu. been thinking quite a lot. suddenly, my strong front is about to fall. come to think of it, whenever my boi did something for mi, i'll reply wif a std line.

yrs ago, back to '02, when i walk up escalator, n saw my ex, i will smile graciously at him, making him paiseh. whenever he praise mi, i'll b happy oso.

Over the years, till now, why have i changed? y am i so cold in my replies? somehow, i feel tat, being in the corporate world, where i'm not used to yet (still), n after watching so much TV, i am beginning to hide my true self. i dun wan ppl to know my true self. even in my mind, i have this thot: even if i afraid, i shldn't show it. i have to conceal this weakness of mine, so i wun b defeated. In other words, taken advantage of.

even for my gal frn, she once commented, i'm not myself. cos til now, oni she, prince, n my boi can make mi really be myself. joking n teasing n flirting n b crazy at times. when she was wif mi (walking around somewhere), i commented she made mi kisiao. tat was when she say i am oni controlling myself.

these days, when i not wif my boi, i feel my world is kinda collapsing. i miss him a lot. yes, i am often reasoning. cos to mi, if i really get emotional, i can't control it so much. my boi can ctrl it better than mi. rmb, 1 time, i eating ajisen wif him. tat time i was emotionally disturbed. i din tok much. cos i really dunno when i'll b ok, or how to manage it.

humans, are, still emotional animals. i cant deny it. i guess i will have to release my emotional self after all.

anyway, i dunno wat happened. my right jaw hurts a lot. i realise it not the jaw itself, but it my ear drum. i cant open my mouth wide to eat. gosh... why are so many things happening at such shrot time??? to mi, my boi, and us noth?

====================================

To: My BOI

Take good care of urself. I look forward to a better future for us. With no-more serious arguments. We will love each other deeper and stronger than before.

Love,
Your Dar.

jus 2 lines
1) xin1 shi4 shei2 ren2 zhi1 (who know my heartfelt feelings...)
2) under extreme stress. will try to ctrl it, so wun go crazy.

got abdominal pain. cant take it, go c doc. dialled a no. it's my boi's. cant ctrl myself. i wept over the phone. i miss my boi so much. i miss his hug so much. i miss our wood pecking scene. at home, rmb 2 songs which describe my self-realisation.

visit the song if cant read the chn words. not sure if my blog can have chn word.

By sky wu, ai yu chou:
(line 3) ????????????????

by shunza, I'm Sorry (???):
(line 1) ?????????? ???? ??????
(line 2) ?????????? ??? ????

by shunza, I'm Sorry (???):
I always think that I know everything
But you insist I know nothing
I always fight to have very last word
But your thoughts were never heard
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
Don't tell me it's through
I wish I could take back some things I said
I wish I could make things better
I wish I could take back some things I did
Everyday I'm feeling sadder
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
It's my turn now to cry
Never fear I'll be here
Say a prayer
We can take on the hands of time
And I, I know we can make it
If we just stay together
And trust each other on this one
I'm sorry, so sorry
Didn't mean to hurt you
I'll borrow your sorrow
Don't tell me it's through, don't tell me it's through
Said I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I've never meant to, never meant to hurt you
I'll borrow, I will borrow your sorrow
It's my turn now to cry

??????? ??????? ???????????

din really.... din really wanna blog. cos i'm still VERY VERY stressed by exam. i jus hope *i dunno wat's come over mi suddenly................. was hearing junyang sing Tong Hua, suddenly thot of wat happened betwn mi n my boi, i was trying real hard, but i suddenly started to weep* ok, i jus hope tat, my boi n i can sustain our pain till 25th, the day we celebrate our 3rd mth anni.

was looking at my 2nd asgt, i had jus fnisnihed my first asgt, lack the docu. will work on it during office hours. den abt my 2nd asgt, i know nothing abt wat it trying to ask. look at newgroups, look at qn, look at my notes. kauzz, how am i gonna cope wif my java exam, n this asgt??? damn.

totally depressing day. had expected a better 1, but, oh well.. "some ppl" say i'm too logical and lack the emotional side. *somehow i dun wan write 2 much, cos no pt in toking so much crap here... but jus cant stop myself*

i can oni say, it does not take jus 4 mths to understand a person. yes i may be full of reasons. tat is 'cos, logic rules the world. passion get you going. u know tat i cant control my emotions at times. tat's when my emotions set in, and i cant control it. reasoning comes in when i am able to think properly.

when i can't, it means my mind is really taking a rest n dun wan b disturbed. i dun dare say i know u well enuff, but still trying to understand u better. going by reasoning, n thinking, i will not think of buying u some food u always love, when u've just finished a meal. however, even during cold days, i oso conflict myself by eating ice-cream, but find it too cold to drink cold water.

'cos i simply like the ice-cream n jus wanna take it. u dun need to rmb exactly how i'll react in some cases, or wat 'll i say. cos ppl change n grow up. jus b urself, n b natural. if u keep pressuring urself, n do things u DUN enjoy, wat happiness will u get from it?

yes, i did give up parties for u. tat's a natural sacrifice. cos i need to respect u. but till now, i still observe. or, as you always claim, i look at guys. if u wonder, how come i'm SO BUSY these days n timing so cock up. imagine urself in my shoes. my blog has written it. for timing cock up, when part 1 of my strezz is relieved, i really have no wish to plan once again. u may be thinking, my exam over. surely wanna relax n wanna mit up.

yes i do. but think of the impending asgtmt i have on hand, and the exam left for mi. i have lil confidence i can do it, cos.. tat's mi. i wanna relax, but i cant. i have oni so much time remaining.

on the emotional side, no word can repair it. oni care n concern can heal it.

these days, whenever.. or rather, nowadays, whenever there're certain lines whcih sound touching, i always feel tat extra twitch in my nostrils. that code couples always use to identify thmselves, and willing make sacrifices for each otehr. maybe, these days, i'm involved as well, so feel tat extra twitch. in past, oni felt those thigns were nice n touchign.

hehe, n these days, i kinda understand why hubbies wanna earn $$$. hahah, so tat spouse can lead a better life ;)

dunno if i really under 2 much strezz. jus now was toking n discussing abt meeting up wif my boi. den i seem to lose my temper... during the chat, i din realise anything. but after hang up, i felt bad siazz..

anyway, doing my asgt due for 22nd aug. wah, now den i realise js is now so powerful!! even some normal text or img can have mouseover effect!!

I PASSED MY JAVA BASIC EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

wah liao!!!!!!!!!!! i was so stunned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when i was told i passed, i dunno how to react. den when i saw the paper myself. wah liao, if my frn (or my boi) wif mi, i surely scream. heeh, but i controlled myself n kept smilign all the way. i wanna give the admin guy a hug, but he prefer jus handshake haha. gosh!!! i can't wipe my smile away at all!!! i was beaming wif delight!!!!

i almost wanna weep... i finally know wat it really means by ???? (which means, tears of happiness) i really felt tat my effort has paid off!!!!! study so hard, n finally my first obstable is over!!!!! i msged some ppl. most replied in 10 mins. sighz, the 1 who i really wanna share my joy wif, replied 1 hr later. i was hoping he reply mi, den i call him to elab. or he call mi, oso can. den later, i received a sms/call from him, but he seems bz wif his frns, not in mood to share my joy. more to telling mi how much he miss mi. i guess wrong timing loh.

den later, heard he'll b playing game. thot of surprising him, by appearing there outta blue. din expect him to mean, he'll play 1 hr later.

anyway, i am so excited!!!! u know, for mi, i ... ok some history. ok lah, i dunno how to hide lengthy story, unlike some gal LOL, so... a bit loh soh here. history: i first touch java in '97/98. den for my graduation proj in 2k, i oso used java. den till now, dun have exposure to java at all. den for this java cert i taking, got 2 parts (read: component), 1 is web, 1 is basic. in order to take web, muz finish basic first. my poly dip cant allow mi to bypass the basic. so, i jus had to pass it somehow. due to bochap n anyhow n chin chai attitude, i dinno i had to pass the basic till i took the web component class in mid jul. den i know i MUZ pass basic first.

siao liao, 2 exam at 1 go. preparing for web is tuff enuf. i dun think got time to do pracs for basic liao. so, i borrowed book from NLB, n i know, i muz finish the boko in 1 wk, cos i MUZ finish web n basic by aug. so i PIA PIA like siaoz. diner oso tbuy outside meal. everyday jus go home n read bok. in office oso same thing. luckily got n'day, i got timet o read more. but had to neglect my boi.

the theory wise, i thot everything is in mind liao after reading boko. den when i did the self test section, kauz, i realise some topics, 50% is my accuracy. i was so stressed n despondent. i dun even know if i can make it. here is the strezzz factor:

in order to take web, i MUZ pass the basic. if basic dun even pass, web can forget abt taking it, cos got a rule saying, if i cant pass an exam, muz wait 2 wks to take again. n if 3 times liao, still cant pass, muz get permission from Sun to re-take. if i dun pass basic, it mean i cant take web, n cant pass anything, den all my $$$ invested in it gone case liaoz. as it's after aug liao. so i muz PASS basic by hook or croak in order to advance. wah liao, damn strezz!!

but from the self test, seem like my solid foundation has melted. i got basic foundation oni. i was so fed up wif mysefl. felt like crying to relax, cos i really so damn strezz! but i dun wnana take teh ez way (read: d**th) but fight for my future.

den i thot my timing for studying quite ok liao, but in end, cock up a bit. last min still revising a bit. but i told myself, i need to know how to ttake the exam wif confidence. so i planned wat time to be at the exam place. relaxed a bit, n took it. ahha, asked a no of qns abt the procedures cos i first time. den while taking, *am i letting out some secrets of Sun if i say something? cos they got some agreement whcih i "agreed" w/o reading thru, as the reading is taking up exam time!!!!*, so while taking, i wonder if they oso allow some kinda passionate marking.

some questions, i somehow rmb mi reading them in the selftest, or theory. but i kinda forgot the results. SHIT! in the end, had to guess. n some questions i really doubt my answers. plus, somtimes my selftest ans is wrong, end up i dun really know if my understanding is there. chamz even. even best, i read the exam requirement: it shld not have a topic, but it appeared in the exam!!!!!!!!!!! err, hehe, i jus check the req again, oni got 4 words to indicate it's included in exam.

den during exam, some ans i not certain if correct or not, n some questions, at first i din ans cos totally blur. in end, i ti-kam the most possible 1. when everything is done, the 2 hr exam left oni 10 secs to kill. good hor? no wonder some ppl feedback the time is too short. i wasn't confident at all tat i'll pass anot. i even resorted to praying to my religion n ancestors as per std.

when eveyting's done, i jus wnana have a break. i know i cant do much, cos still got asgt, n 1 moer exam, but i MUZ relax. hehe. n finally did. took pig trotter for lunch, n watch recorded male superstar. wah liao, know wat? the trotter hor, i used to eating it from those kway chap. first time eat from choy fan stall. kauz, almost like operating on it to get the meat siazz. den the owner say, if i buy trotter ($4), he dun add rice cost. haha, i bought trotter, cos i wanna somethign diff. n he oso din add any cost when i wanna add some tofu.

oh, the superstar thing. luckily i recorded. cos, the old songs, wah really remind mi of the old days siazz. was singing along wif them. hehe, to mi, i did sing well too haha. esp tat "???????", "????????? ????????????. brought back happy memories... i mean the song is VERY touching. hehe, maybe i relaxing, so for 2nd n 4th song, i used lotsa falsetto. haha. for weilian, he sang GOOD. but i scared judges say he seme to be imitating. for the junyang, wah liao, he din use his heart to sing siazz. den wei jian, not bad. but he does sing well. 2 bad, it seems weijian is out.

and these days ch 8 is always showing those old movies.. old but good hehe. as usual, after the exam, felt like going irc, but ahha, now i got my boi wif mi, y shdl i? hehe. oh ya, Lin Ching Hsia is really good at acting...

how pitiful this guy is...

have finished readign the required chapters needed for exam. frankly, when i first knew i had to etake the exam, i was complacent. i thot: i had the foundation some time back. till now, i can still churn out simple java class. will Sun actually see a candidate to finish exam and walk out unexpectedly early? maybe i'll b the first 1. n since i have the foundation, the exam shld b a breeze to mi.

but i was wrong. i had to sleep at 1+am to finish chapters at night. grew nervous abt my timetable and pressured as time go. now doing last min prep. i mean, doing the mock exam questions. pretty tough. some topics, i blundered in many areas. i hope these mistakes can help mi prep better for exam. duno. perhaps it's jus mi, tat i got no confidence in the exam. sighzz...may god bless mi.

what has Charmed evolved to??

i think i'll take this time to relax... cos jus completed at least... ok ... 150 pages - 200 pages in 1 day. 805am to 530pm. wah liao, morning, took bfast, den go mac there. bought a drink n sat there for 1.5 hr. den thot of going soemhwere quiet to study. little did i know, wheni got to void deck, kauz, got flies biting mi, den so warm, n i totally cant focus on reading at all. once the env is serene, my mind jus go wild, thinking n singing songs. 20 mins down, i still haven't progress from 1 page. siaozz, i cant carry on like tis. was even thinking of going home, den bring some music down.

den i decided to jus go back, but go to kfc. buy a drink, n sat there till 3+. i actually witnessed that ppl finish their meal n left, some rowdy group, n ppl wif low EQ. den, so qiao, an ex-colleauge saw mi n wanna my hp no as i leaving for toilet. i say i give after going toilet. but he is those i dun bother keeping contact wif. den later, he stil came up to mi. got my number, n stored it. he din give mi his. den later, abt 3+, i cant stay there anymore. n left for home. by 530, phew i finally finished my task. finally finished 200 pages. i'm pretty proud of myself.

i guess i gona stick to my plan i wrote here. but may change a bit. will focus on finishingthe book, den when first exam over, i start on prac again. ok, was watching n'day tv. err, felt everything's the same as usual. no surprise. jus the usual programs. tis yr, even super, n'day celeb became chingay - decorative cars were ushered in, telling us our motherland's history. den same old stuff. i did think, if foreigners were watching, they'll say it's fabulous n fantastic. but, i've been watching the same program for years. 25 years, or 20 years to be exact. no change at all. yes, they intro'ed pop singers to perform at n'day, but tat' e oni change.

n this yr, Rui'en (not tat well known) and Taufik (Singapore Idol fame) sang. felt there's no excitemnet at all. would actually prefer those top 5 of singapore idols to sing. ya, tis yr oso bring the celeb to heartlands, but it felt more like celebration of some festivals. some public performance. well, maybe as i grow older, i begin to catch the itinery, n dun feel teh surprise anymore.

had wanna write more comments.. oh well, about someone, but other day perhaps..

i wanna hug from my boi

i think, somehow i can say it's a piece of good news.. this gd news, 2 bad my boi not wif mi to share the joy... prefer to tell him personally, to over phone.. ya, both gd n stressful news.

stress news is, my 500+ pages, muz finish reading by fri nite. now i've done 100+ pages liaoz. at my rate, 1 trip from/to office can finish abt 100 pages.. ie 1 day of normal office hours can finish 100 pages. den tmr, is PH. will pia all the way to finish more pages. 100+-200 shld b ok. library not open, so will jus find some void deck to study *had wanna write some noti n jokeful comments, but scared someone take it serious...* study from perhaps 7am till late.. sianzz.. but muz pia for my future. haizz.. den oso got 2 monash assgt to finish by 22 aug, java big exam by 24 aug. siaozz.. really damn packed.

good news is... LOL, by stroke of luck, my dept.. or rather my company, has a website dept which deploys jsp/servlet. i had chatted wif them of my interest n abilities in html, css, programming, taking java, n deg cos. den today, 1 guy who knew abt it, called mi. i thot the call is abt 1 case which i passed over to his colleague. haha, turn out it's good news for mi.

cos, he say, since i learning jsp n servlet, he gonna pass mi 1 proj. finish by sept 2nd. if my work is up to a std, they will try to transfer mi over to their dept!!!! ghahahah... is this gonna b a big break for mi?? dunno.. but i dun wan pressure myself too much.. jus plan my time properly. so right now, i guess i still better finish prep my basic java exam for this sat first, den try to pia my monash asgt over wkend after exam (hope i stil have the mood). den when done, i carry on wif my web comp (big exam) pracs at home, n take note of the impt points while on way to work, so tat i can revise. when tat 1 oso done, i try to pia the proj by the dept loh.

hopefully, these piazz r worth my time n effort... god/buddha, pls bless mi... for success... i cant say i got confidence tat i sure can make it, but i gotta try my best n put my best effort to it...

acutally.. come to think of it, having a blog dun really mean u can blurt out watever u wan. ok, it's a page that keeps your thinking n views, and ur watever. but when it comes to sensitive issues like politics, i wonder if we still need to be responsible. if some party dun like it, can it order the blog to be shut down?

well, here comes a small issue. the big issue, i wun mention. small issue, now is national day. i rmb 10 yrs back, abt 2 weeks b4 n'day, i can see national flag hanging and sashaying away moved along as the winds blew at hdb flats. *luckily i check the meaning.. gosh, i had meant to say "the flag... as winds blow, the flags was moving oso..."*

but right now, how many flats are hanging the flags wif on 2 days to n'day??

n right now, stressed by this sat's exam. i thot i had a good foundation. ok, maybe i did have, but the book did have additional info to reinforce n made my foundation stronger. end up, i got more things to read than i thot. a total of 500 odd pages. muz finish it by fri. right now, read 30 pages liao. since the day i loaned it.

watching ch U "shoot" program.
about how shld parents care for their children.
well, i got nothign to say abt daddy.
but for my mum...

if i were there at the show, i'll probably say, parents shld instil confidence in their children. cos for mi, i nver had confidence in myself til recent yrs. cos i always afraid i'll do the wrong thigns. well, maybe this does not apply to others, 'cos i've never had a chance to be outgoing n learn hwo to make frns. i was always so de introverted. always stay home. my first break came, when i got to know sonya. she tot mi hwo to reason etc. this is 1 of the many things i learnt from her. she brought mi out to real world. leslie... mention him when chance comes.

den as for understanding of mi, probably my mum had her own probs, n due to unbalanced childhood living, my mum din have the chance to know mi better. she oso dunno how to tok to mi. and due to lack of confidence, i oso dun wan tell her anything, in case kena scold. when i was still lvign wif parents, i can say they duno wat i was doing outside. n lotsa things, i was depending on them. cos my mum such too gd care of mi. i have to b independent.

so right now, when i living myself liao, i gradually dun blame my mum. i begin to understand her position n plight. n more understanding of her... i oni wnana say,

mum, i LOVE U :)

2 bad she not gonna see this line hehe...

ok lah, din keep to my self-promise of working hard on java. started on it oni after 630pm. b4 tat, resting n dozing off. perhaps escaping once agin from the stress, or de-stressing myself first, or simply trying to get some rest b4 i head into it. anyway, my java library book, jus borrowed it, shld b returning it b4 due date, n reading once web component part is done.

den was watching ch U superstar. haha, sometimes, ppl jus know how to criticise from the audio/voice effect, when they themselves dun sing well enuff LOL - referring to myself.

1 ger sang kang ding qing ge. seem like amei version. cos i oni know amei re-sang it. not bad. high enuff, and daring enuff to reach high notes.

1 ger sang wo zhi zai hu ni. i was stunned. it's such a POPULAR n OLDI. she dare to sing it??? my jaw simply dropped. true enuff, she din pull it off well. even in some hk/china performance sometime back when hk went back to china, sammi SYZ oso sang wif faster rhythm to get rid of the old feel. oni Talent Na Ying sang wif original tune wif a new voice. but this ger, sang wif original tune, oni wnana inject her own voice n feel. huh? how good she think she is?? in end, 1 judge comemnted, her "purposely-broke-up-line" was "so unnatural" it din go well in the ears.

1 ger who i like, kelly, she did well once again. well done!! i'll support u spiritually. after some recordign company proved ur talent to be worth my money, i'll buy ur cDs. she sang "ke ai de mei gui hua". n designed some steps. haha, when i saw the steps, i felt "wah, act cute!!" i tuned away haha. den later, ye pei fen oso say she IS cute. hehe, not bad siazz, even mi, a gay, found her appealing. hehe, she made mi turn my eyes, when she sang amei's "open ur eyes".

the last ger, ahha, no good comments from mi at all. i finalyl realise something. this is realised from wat the judges said. thsoe singers who kept winning the rounds simply by having popular votes, if u dun buck up, wif oni those votes, u have to just keep on singing, n bear wif the -ve comments judges have on u. cos u r not good enuff to make it till there, but u have the votes t support u. know wat? the judges keep saying "like i have said b4..." "u still did not take note of ur....." if they dun ever improve, but the votes kept pushing them to the next round, she jus have to keep putting up wif the comments, or rahter critics liao loh.

personal comments, she sang ai shen. e start, got 2 HIGH notes. 1 higher than other. first 1 high enuff. 2nd 1, worse. i not even sure if she can hit the notes. she did it, with screeches. and it's twice. if she got falsetto, i rather she try them. last part, she seeem to lose the notes, or perhaps, cant reach the notes properly, end up off key.

til now, 2 gers have shown talents. i guess now, i .... arghzz, dunno, had wanna catch it, but my studies is stil priority. now sat, still got male singer to catch. jus now, show the mv for a new song they re-sang. dong tian li de yi ba huo. ahah, other than jason n blind, other 2, i have prob differentiating them!! look so similar, but wei jian, is acting cute lah. haha. really act cute to mi, in a gd way :).

n, as i mentioned, i jus registered for exam, n preparing still for web component, at this pt, i somehow self pressure. stil doing prac at tis hr, den exam is 2 wk (13aug) i somehwo got pressure. although diff exam (not e 1 is doing prac for), but i still feel it. haha. gd or bad? dunno. but i know the 13aug exam, i shld have no prob, shld b mere revising for mi, cos i still know a lot of thigns. got a GOOD n SOLID foundation in poly. jus some seldom use stuff, need to know again.

hey gal, nowadays, u can reply on my blog again liao lah, since i n my boi dun tok so much on blog anymore. n come on, for a long time, i've not had written much on sexual life.

nope, i dinno u dun take prawns. i never had a chance to taste those "good food". perhaps 'cos i was too afraid to try new things tat time. heard abt drunken prawns, where they soak in alcohol, n peel open their shells when they dead drunk. i din think much of these. but tat day, i really saw how horrible it's. now, perhaps i'm affected, but still not sure yet. i may turn vegan in time to come due to the "live show". but i wonder how do they die in the first place? humane way, or....

for a long time, i din check visit logs liao, dun even know the hell if any1 visiting my blog at all. will i sound ego if i say "wonder if a blog at this time will surprise my audience/visitors". or shld i say, "some of u may be surprise tat i blog at tis hr".

well, somehow planned on monday/tues tat i'll b on mc today liao, so u guys know wat's going on huh? somehow stressed by prepz of java exam, n been getting moody after work. cos my routine is, wake up, prep for work, read java bk on way to work, b in happy mood to start work, den KO, read bk on way back home, eat dinner, do java pracs, watch TV news, do pracs again. this routine is getting mi stressed...

anyway, jus now i went to borrow books for my java:

Sun Certified Programmer & Developer for
Java 2 Study Guide (Exam 310-035 & 310-027)
by Kathy Sierra, Bert Bates

haha, i thot i cant find it after searching 2 shelves, den had wanna ask the librarian to help mi find, if cant, make a big fuss. den 3rd shelf, i found a bk whcih look similar, beside it, i foudn my book!!!!!!!! i can read my first exam liaoz!!!!!!!!!!!

but sad, the watson at my place close liao... sighzz, my mall is really changing a lot.. very fast... but is this good? cos, if turover rate high, mean no biz can stay long.

i guess i blog a lot when i under stress... or bored. jus now, wanna cook chu qian yi ding. den was washing the pot, suddenly saw.. i think 3 baby cockroach suddenly emerge from nowhere in the basin. haha, my boi's beloved frn certainly will scream at it. but mi, i saw 2 escape from my sight liao. 1 stuck at the basin, trying to escape but 2 steep n slippery. i went to take some papers from ym room to pick it up, but it 2 scared to board it. kauz, trie dfo few mins. decided to jus dry up the surface so it can climb. but, aiyo, really too steep, cant make it. den i tried my best to get it on the paper... phew, finalyl got it. i den threw.. or rather let the paper drift downstairs... shld b no water bah, e plc it land on. later, oso no wish to cook liao... haha, no wish to eat liao. now nibbling dried stuff. but now, i thinking, were the 2 his family? right now, i drifted it down, are they separated? damn it, anyway i have no way of letting it onto the basin again. it's 2 scared to move while on paper... hope it's alright, and living :)

sleep liao.. i got 5 more pracs to go for my java, 2 more lecs to read up. arghzz, frankly speaking, i really din expect aug to come so fast. yes, my bday near aug, but i jus... passed it n din, even in my subconscious mind, i know bday near aug, but somehow jus din realise after tat, it's gonna b aug liao. kauzz, time pass fast siazz.. hopefully can celebrate 3rd mth in a happy mood, not stressed.

sighzz.. recently got ... ok not tat recent, got the gambling den issue. den later got NKF issue. den now, no news liao. suddenly, got rule say cannot smoke at some areas... LOL. i think most ppl understand why is there such conflict: alow sale of cig, but keep on minimising the smoking area. LOL... jus like another gay conflict. gay can work in singapore, but their sex acts r illegal. we buy food, but not allowed to eat. sighz, when did my world become such a conflicting place??

sometimes, really gotta take my hat off my sis. we went to suntec there for bfast timsum. the service lvl dropped. n the food std oso. den when we paid the bill, she ask the cashier if the chef changed. cashier say "when was ur last time here?" "2 mths" "no, din change" etc...

somehow i feel tat the cashier is lying. i asked sis. she say cashier shld not b lying, but the chef did change. if not, cashier wun ask when did we last go there... wah.. din think of tat...

i think i muz be GRATEFUL to my parents, body structure, meta rate. cos i realise tat, when i fully/totally stressed (by my java n monash), i really sing to relax. sang ting hai, ai he cheng nuo, yi ge ren de wo yi ran hui wei siao (on purpose spell wrong), some others. din sing the full song, but jus parts of it. think of wat song, sing wat song. den i oso keep nibbling on the "dried fish fillet" (dried n sliced cuttlefish). bochap whether i hungry or not, jus wanna relax n b steady. later may take supper even. thankfully, i nio need to care abt whether my fig go haywire anot... ;)

hehe, i was quite surprised when i wanna see the threads i sub'ed to... cos it's not my account LOL