frns
a lot of acquaintances n frns n pals made mi into wat i am today.. n nw i truly knw wat tis means. so, i'll treasure most of the frnship i have.. n oso had. most, cos some 'ships are passers-by. they are not meant to be long term. some r jus hi-bye type..
a new direction for life
since i joined my company last jul (2006 ie), i've not been going out wif my frns at all.. be it local, or frns who came over. the last time i went out on a weekday.. was during my bday.. or perhaps tat was the most enjoyable time out wif some frns/pals to enjoy the time. after tat, i nvr had time to enjoy this luxury, yes luxury, again.
everyday is abt work n studies n exams. for the whole period. from jul or aug till now. everyday, nonstop. even on wkends, i can't help stop thinking abt how else i can bettter prepare myself for the next (working) day. no life. no movie. no calling frns up for catching up.
no life, cos i nvr go out.. always stay home to prepare myself work.. i knw i was bogged down by studies n work, so i feel it's better to take time to read up work stuff..
no movie.. i forgot when did i last watch movie in cinema siazz.. unless i go back to my "loner" lifestyle.. watching is the same as the next line..
no catching up wif frns... sighzz.. u knw.. i can't even confirm wat time i can leave ofice.. ie i dunno if i can leave office on time, or have to work late due to surprises.. somtimes, we doing soemthign, which i intend to carry on next day. den my upperstudy will say "tis needs to be done tdy"..
tat y i din realy dare to make any arrangement.. until now, i feel as though i'm living in solitude.. for half a yr, nvr ask frns out.. luckily during xmas n ny, a pal invited mi to his parties.. if not, very likely, i spend these 2 days alone at home.. haha.. watching TV.. cos i tried asking other frns join, but they all got plans liao.. even my poly frns..
a new direction for life
n perhaps it's cos i've been living in solitude for half a yr, trying to contact back my frns has proved to be tedious.. i admit tat, since i din tok to them or ask them out for long time, it's alright for them to, not prioritise my outing wif them.. so i can oni keep trying..
at the same time, i wonder if it's a sign for tell mi, i shld move on, n make new frns... well, true, every1 shld make new frns at every opportunity.. even on frnster updates, i can see ppl adding new frns all so often.. but mine, jus S I L E N C E... but as i mentioned earlier, i haven got time to go out at all.. perhaps.. it's a sign for mi to move on, make new frns, have a new lease of life.
easier said than done. if i wan make new frns, i need to either join new outings (gay or not no issue), ask my frns out, join those outings planned by my office frns.. this is the mafan part.. cos joining those outings, mean i cant b my true self.. which means i have to act a bit.. sianzz.. n each of these r.. hard to start.. but i knw i still have to do it..
love / frns
after a long 26 years of living, experimenting, experiencing, thinking, i somehow have come to a conclusion abt myself.. about differenting and separating love n frns.. as a gay, sex is often the priority when we see attractive guys.. personally, as someone who has the looks n body size (fig shall not be mentioned here lol) to attract many ppl, i have to find a way to balance between seeking sex (wif ppl), fulfilling my strong sexual urge, n knowing new frns.. cos if new frns are gay, it's very likely to.. have mutual atrraction.. esp when i've not been going out for a long time. any guy who dresses up n look decent will catch my eye(s). i have to control myself... n i've strong sex urges.. i dun wan to prostitute myself.. like in the past.. i duno how i gonna fulfil them nw, but i will not wanna pro myself anymore.. probably go some... massage n.. relax there? dunno.. or get some call boys?? lol..
n now, i'm more inclined to having frns.. maybe i duno how to.. choose whether a person shld b frn or ons.. but if given a choice, i wil need to learn who shld b frn, who shld b ons guy...
malay movie
i was watching a malay movie from suria jus now..:
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Sepet (Movie)
19-year old Ah Loong is in charge of a stall selling pirated vcds. Contrary to what you might expect someone of his social standing to be, Ah Loong is an incurable romantic with an unlikely hobby - he loves to read and write poetry. Quite content to carry on being the Romeo of the slums, Ah Loong's life takes a sudden turn one day when a 16-year old Malay schoolgirl arrives at his stall in search of Wong Kar-Wai's films.
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i missed the first 18 mins of the show. when i saw it while channel surfing, i oni saw a beng guy doing renovation for a house wif his frns. he was topless when confronted by gangsters... i like him.. n watched on.. den it turned out to be a movie.. i went to suria n read the synopsis.. quite interesting ahha.. n watched on. quite a classical young couple love story.. i never experienced it. but it's quite a sweet feeling.. i wonder y i never had it.. i admit i was stubborn, ignorant, unappreciative, n slow.. but.. i never had anyone nice enough to guide me along.. to tell mi more about life.. or was i 2 slow to even realise it?.. anyway, the sweet feel is real nice..
den towards the end, the guy did something wrong, n the ger din realise the guy had been repenting only in the last 5 mins of the show. the guy was rushign over in his bike to ask the ger not to leave country. the ger den was reading a letter by him. 1 can see tat the guy is really trying hard to make her return..
at tis point, i thot of my last ex... the koala bear.. lol.. is the shadow still dragging my feet? haha... i tried to make a u-turn of the situation, but it din help.. destiny?
anyway, just hope tat tis yr onwards will be my.. "end of bad luck"...
sleep.
1 comment:
Xin nien kuai le! I hope that your New Year is full of new friends and new experiences.
Many hugs from London
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