luv_ktv's untold moments

watching ChU now. yes, i simply cant focus in getting my java servlet thigns working.

they are toking abt youngsters taking their lives lightly these days. but upon hearing how the hosts n ppl tok, i wonder if they really understand the thinking of the possible victims. hwo to udnerstand, if they never had suicidal thots?

it's akin to saying a guy or a single lady saying they understand hwo painful it's to give birth. but how do they know? by tv? by mag? or frns? oni those who have been thru it will really know, and UNDERSTAND will hold some facts.

so, do these ppl know wat went on in the minds of potential vics? for mi, (my boi, it's the past liao, so dun worry abt mi, cos i will b writing soemthing sad), i am an introvert. being introvert, i keep things to myself. watever problem i have, i dun say at all. i dun wan my family to look down on mi. maybe cos my parents low EQ, or they 2 busy to tend to mi, so i grew up by myself, n am VERY quiet.

in ns, to myself, i led a miserable life. ns is a place full of shit, autocraticism, power hungry ppl. once superrior say soemthing, it's LAW n ORDER n MUS b done. it's almost like jail to mi. plus, i'm introvert, cannt find ppl to tok to. there's 1 time, i stay in bunk, i was thinking abt dying. to escape from ns. shld i cut my wrist? shld i jump down? i'm medic, so shld i inject myslf n let blood flow out? or since i got access to panadol, n gdrugs, maybe i can swallow them all n sleep till i wake up in hell-knows-where. i nvr tell any1 else.

i was oredi on the verge of executing it. i'm jus waitingf or myself to cool dwon n go ahead. but somehow, i received an sms from my mum, i frogot the contents. but tat pt, i felt my mum stil lcared for mi. i immediately felt there is still at least someone who is out there waitinf n caring for mi.

den, antoher time, is a breakup. i also din tell anyone, cos i'm gay. none of my frns know it then, the break. tat time, i jus stayed home, stared into blank. din tok at all. my mum walked past mi, told mi as a passing remark: if u hve anything, jus say it out.

she knows i'm not a person who openly tok abt my life, experiences. so she gave mi the choice to tok. i guess if nothing of these consolations happened, i won't b here anymore. having say all these, my impression is tat, whenever someone feel extrem down, thre must b some signs of suicidal. the person may stil apepar chirrpy, but if u take note, he still is somehow emotionally disturbed.

too bad, these days, ppl r too busy to perhaps take note. winter may be arriving at some people's hearts. i oso rmb, there 1 time, i took cab wif a transvestite. she commented tat, i din have the courage to commit S. i din agree. i'm brave enuff to live on and face the prblem tat rose. so tat my ppl wun b affected.

which is braver? Leaving ur loved ones sad, or facing the fact?

oh, well, I'M HAVIGN PROBLEM GETTING MY JAVA TO WROK!!!