luv_ktv's untold moments

finally... finished my asgt, submited, den realise their time is abt 2 hrs faster than singapore. damn. few mins late. since my asgt done, i decided to finally SHAVE. damn, this time, i shave till it bleed slightly??

ok, as i promised earlier, i've finished my asgt, n will write wat happened to mi during.... after my last blog on 24th aug 05.

on 23rd night, i studied till i songz. i prepared my things properly n even prepared the attire i worn for my basic java exam, hoping to gain the good luck i had for my first exam. ok, i din really rmb the attire, but i think i worn tat. i got to the place much earlier thani shld. so i did some last min revision as usual. ok time up, go exam.

i sat there. total of 69 qns. first 3 oredi killed 15 mins of my time. i was stunned. i really duno wat gonna happen. ifrst few qns oredi so tuff... cna i survive the rest?? true enuff, as i ans more qns, i really begin to doubt my capabilities. i really need a miracle to happen. in the room, i was almost havign a fit. cos i was figetting so much!! in end, the exam, ans last qn, "check" all ans liao. still left 5-10 mins to kill. i simply no courage to view the results.

later i was told to go n collect my result.i really hope for some good news. the admin ger, shook her head. signed off the paper in red, n wished mi better luck. i took the paper, really stunned n at a loss of wat to do. my 5k is gone. if i pass my exam, i will get back 3k for my subsidy. now totally gone. my bank acct -ve amt liao. my hopes of moving into higher level dashed liao. higher pay, better life, no need scrimp n save till so jialut anymore. the whole world dun mean anythignt o mi anymore. life has no meaning liao.

i had planned to buy gift for ... W rigth after exam, cos i thot i'd pass. but then, i really no mood anymore. dun wan force myself. went downstairs, crossed road n took bus home. i switch off my hp. i felt no pains, no tears inside mi. jus a stunned n lost mi. i really duno wat to do. wat's next. wat gonna happen to my life. i slept ont he bus, or rather, tried to sleep.

i got home, i din bathe, laid down on bed, fully naked n tried to sleep. smehow i rmb, i din manage to cath any wink. perhaps i jus cant sleep. sat up, tried to get into sleep mood, but fail. i msg my mum, tat i eating. i off my hp again. dun wanna get any msg. even from W. i dun wan speak to any1. i went home for dinner. duck rice. i took the meat, n left hte rice untocuhed. really no appetite.

i oso dunno who i can tok to. in fact, (i guess this time can really pour my souls out?) i was really wondering... if i still on toking... or rather good terms wif W, if i call him, wat can he say to mi? my ans: "dun worry, u still have mi!". this ans certainly dun work for mi. i wun feel any better listening to this line. n during tat tiem, i was not on toking terms wif him.. or rather, he wun give a chance to tok.

b4 my exams, i had called him. his tone was so cold n distant. if i this time call him, i dun think i'll better.. may even b worse. at home, i den realised tat, my pals from Oz were VERY cocerned abt mi. they called each other for news of mi, after they failed to get my hp. i really appreciate it. although they have their own probs, they took time to show concern for mi... consoling mi n tell mi stuff. oso shared wif them my prob (studies n W linked). really can't think of anything tat i can do... u know, i was really thinking, in my state, if i meet W up, do i still have to put my (foul) moods aside, n take care of his emotional needs? or can he stand by mi, and b my moral support?

i really dunno.

i was deciding if i wan go work the next morning. i wanna stay home, cos if go work, am i in the mood? can i contribute? but if i dun, wat can i do at home? laze around, n think wild? i think i even feel worse if i alone at home, nothing to do, n think wild. gow rok still.

at work, i still very very quiet. din tok. 90% of the work time, i let down mty head, n looked into thefloor. for lunch, my first ime to order jus fruits. even my colelagues are surprised. seem like 1 guy keen to know wat happen to mi, but i bought the fruits for lunch, so he cant ask mi over lunch. 2nd day liao, so for dinner, i ate better. i rmb, i watched Cu u talk show. quan yifeng was saying "work towards ur dream". this line i always rmb.

n i decided how i'll kill saturday liao. i go bfast, den go home, sing ktv tioll i songzz. den buy lunch, sing, n go out. wah loong time no sing liao. some songs i first tiem sing. i esp like "ren shen hai hai" cos can let mi scream. i din wan go out buy lunch. so jus cook noodles, n watched "zhen xin hua" while eating. duirng the show, e part where fann wong spite "he run dong" (HRD) n HRD wrapped her up, n took her drugs in her face, i somehow felt something. i realise tat, if tears roll down ur cheeks w/o having u to close ur eyes, n it's silently, it's something serious.

den sang till it's time to go to celebrate my office's jnr bday. i was oso... dunno if i shld go anot. if go, can i forget my sorrows for tat time, n enjoy it? i decide to go n relax myself. i made myself promise, i will go no matter wat. i dun wna stay in my room, lest i think wild. true enuff, when i reached my room, i... again wondering if i shld go or jus stay home do my asgt. well, good thing tat i went.

later i got home, dunno if i slept early. on sunday, i finally managed to feel much better. at tat time, i was thinking, if i really wnana have W back, i really need to control my emotions. dun tok so much reasoning wif him. tell him directly hwo/wat i'm feeling. dun need to let him guess. i finalyl switch on my hp on sunday evening. got his 2 calls. i dun wanna pick. no courage to speak to him. no courage to hear his voice. even when he "forced" mi to speak to him, i din wan tok much.

i let him decide when to mit. thot monday can, but he wan tues... den the rest is history...

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ok, now. can help frn do his website liao...