this week.. for a whopping 9 days... i've been having a diff lease of life.. i've cut down on tose crusing n focussing on knowing new guys/gays. more of focussing on knowing new frns.

as fate/luck may decide, i got 1 asgt wchib i really dunno how to do. den, i was intro'ed to a study group for this asgt. it's formed/.. or planned by a gal. i almost saw no pt in going. but well.. for the sake of doing well, i still went for it. i felt.. awkward n kinda uncomfy to contact a ger for meeting details siazz.. at the plc, i contacted her, n met her up.

to my surprise, there's a cute guy wif her!!! n the 3 of us hit off pretty well... esp wif the guy!! on our first meet, i n he got some chemistry n i even hi5 wif him siazz.. it felt gd. it's really fun n nice toking to him.. we exchanged msn in no time. den i even took the chance to pat his shoulders/back from time to time.. well, frnliness to some extent lah.

den over the wk, we still met up for discussions.. it's really nce.. everyday i;ll see him.. he's photogenic, n wif his hairstyle, n smile, he's charmingly cute in person.. n wif his chatty nature, it's.. jus so nice we can chat a lot.. n he's outgoing, nh thru him n tat ger, i got to know a couple of frns oso.. staerting to build some outta-circle frns.. it';s nice.. it's based on frnship. not based on "ts guy is cute" or "i wanna get close wif him" thots. frnship seems to be building up.. n i m making a cute frn as a chatty pal...

no wonder.. some ppl say, they have a cute frn.. but too bad, see no touch.. haha.. n he's kinda innocent.. in the sense, he dun think too much into ppl's response.. whcih is quite nice loh.. unlike mi, think a lot n so much.. unless it looks odd, he usually dun thin 2 much

we been meeting almost everyday to discusss asgt. n wow.. i'm glad i can b close to him n guide him along siazz!! cos some qns i did liao, i know ans. den i explain to him.. felt nice to be close to him. in fact, we spent 1 hr sitting togeter... jus mi n him haha..

but dunno wat happened.. maybe some.. bias? he wanna mit up next day to discuss again. n he's joining 2 frns to do it. i asked to go.. he's ok. den i ask him chk wif his frns.. those 2 frns, r from my other class. they know mi.. 1-2 times toking liao. but after tat "ask", no response at all.. it makes mi think .. after they added m on msn, they... dun feel gd abt mi anymore.. esp the ger.. i can see tat she liked mi. but after the msn.. ahha.. she grew DISTANT.

haha.. oh ya, i n the charming guy, we chatted on msn.. he saw mi msn pic, n ask mi change it.. cos he DETEST such muscle guy pix hahah.. i teased him abt it, but he buay song. den he send mi 1 pic to use... haha.. well, to appease him.. i used tat pic/. he thot i into muscle guys.. n ask mi go WWE download. oh well.. den we met again to discuss asgt.. i cant feel any.. distance from him siazz. n ju snow, he still having prob wif his asgt, ask mi for help.. i said "i help u, how u gonna repay mi?" hahaha.. he was giggling siazz..

until now, oni my campmate (my ns understudy) so qiao in my class.. knows i enjoy toking wif him a lot. n it feels gd oso.. when he call to ask mi for help haha.. i dun mind spending time helping him..

den tok abt work. now, i'm using my SCJP cert to secure tis job. but the pay is low. den, by rite. this fri, i'll have an interview for a J2EE job. tis job chimzz siazz.. even need to take a test to maybe certify. umm.. i was thinking.. will my J2ee notes help mi secure the job?

once again, by going for interviews, i can know my mart rate.. den during my confirmation interview, i perhaps can ask for more pay.

oh..if things go well, i'm havign some plans in mind abt my future.. including singing in pubs, taking up language courses, saving money for ... trips, volunteering my services, n going gym to tone my body up...

tis wk of guess3 got lesboz appearing.. of cos as "gers who look like guys". wah... some r really good looking siazz.. 1 is a basketball player, national some mroe. 1 can do 1 arm pushups.. cool.. den got 1 male student judge. not on time to take his act cute pic lah

i realise tat, the 3 mth prob, other than determining if u suit e comp n vice versa (i finally am in such a position to say tis, instead of merely "if u can integrate wif the comp policies"), it's also a period tat employers dun wna u to source for other jobs.. cos, u dun have any LVE to take at all... unless u take MC lah..

for mi, i'm sourcing other jobs, n if no job get mi yet, i.. guess.. i stay on. but if someone start looking for new job, wat's the probability tat he wun jump ship?

======

wondering if there's an aspect of mine which needs serious improvement.. jus now, 1 staff ask a snr staff whether something will be stored permanently in memory while prpgramm running. i was typing away at my pc.. n overheard the subj. n i decided to chup in. they were thinking for secs, n i suggested they can store in session variable.. haha.. the jnr (not jnr to mi, but to the snr) den.. (haha, i think he's EQ unstable type.. the normal person who do things by his emotions) den the jnr diam diam, n try to do his own way still n proclaim "den like tis still can rite?".. i din say further n moved back to my seat.

den snr ask if any1 wanna bfast. i exclaimed "no thx, had mine.. but if u treat, i go". a while later, they went for bfast. i din join. ya i know it's a good time to join them cos i nothing to do. but.. i really dun see the need/pt. over 2 mths, din really find a common topic to tok.. usually, they chat soemthing, i luff it off; i ask soemthing, i chip in; or i say soemthing, den someone try to reply in humourous way.. haha...

basically, there's nothing much to keep mi here.. oni "i been doing tis proj for 2 mths n know soem info". prev'ly, still had 2 reasons. 1 being can see a cute guy on my bus almost everyday, 2 being my office is near the mgmt level guy.. but both r leaving in jun.. wel, these jus side reasons lah.. not impt 1.

================

above post was done days back till now. today is 25/5/06. jus had a chat wif... or rather a discussion wif my sup. i initiated it, to resolve any conflicts n misunderstanding btwn us. after tis, we had a better understanding of each other, or rather, he understood mi better. perhaps i have more free time, so i am better able to reflect on wat happened during 2 mths, while he is more focussed on work.. but the discussion was nice... i dunno if it's gonna b good yet.

we resolved most issues... den he told mi, we r still lagging behind a lot. n he is still grooming mi.. but in fact, i dun need any honeymoon.. i even asked if he got anything for mi to do.. he say he is still arranging... oh well... i jus take now as a relax period..

sianzz.. how come, in places where i.. in my prev job, i had some grouses abt work. now, i work for 1.5 mths lioa. n oso got grouses.. is it normal??

ytday the sup work overnight. when i came in, he told mi to be more careful when checking the database. he jus generally tell mi oni. so i ask for details. den i know y.

when i check on DB, i cnanot find a exact match for an item. i oso removed non keywords. still cannot find. so i told him. he say he'll highlight to the client. den jus now, he said he did a check himself. n found tat a lot of data is inside oredi. not missing at all. n he told mi that, under ALt field, it oso represents the info i looking for. but hwo do i know??? i dinno tat, tat field can help in decoding info too. he knew, din tell mi, how i know?? n i did highlight to him. now he tleling mi to search more carefully next time??

such things cannot be assumed at all wat. he shld know. unless i wrong lah.

=========

den, our side, other than tis sup, will b the tech mgr. tech mgr seem to come back from silicon valley. sometimes, or usually, his attitude n non-chalent'ness puts some colleagues off. but i wonder if this is the type.. i hope my sup can b..

when my sup on leave, he asked the mgr to supervise mi, n chk if i got any prob anot. n he oso keep saying tat, mgr will oni jus "ask" for status, but not ask "wat prob u having". i did joke tat tis is really the case.. as i exp it a few wks back. but now, i feel tat, it's actually better that he ask in such way.. to show concern abt project, but not to interfere in ur way of handling things, trusting tat u can do a gd job. he interviewed mi for tis job. he saw my resume. i duno abt the sup. n ya, mgr does lunch alone lah. n soemtimes, i lunch alone as well.. (dun think 2 much).

==========

i managed to somehow.. know more abt y i keen on leaving.. abt the team work here. the interface thing tat i was talking abt, n the ALT thing.. lack of communication n teamwork.. commuinication as in, telling u ASAP wat new info is gotten. teamwork as in, ... perhaps.. sharing ideas wif u, instead of not letting u know too much.. um.. 2nd reason.. i dunno how it really applies, but feel tat it does apply

a funny.. week. on thursday or somthign, i know tat i aint destined for a reln anymore. so i decided to shower my love on my frns.. existing, old, n new found 1s.

den, on thurs, oh well, not a really gd thing to KO on time.. or earlier than my sup, cos he had intended to combine our work, he was too slow n his time mgmt always fail. so i bochap, after finsih my part, i jus go home. then, at the busstop, got a china loking .. n matured looking.. hunk. he wif frns but turn to look at my direction at times. i din really care lah. even though i so daring in the gym n bus, it's simply not mi to initiate anything in such publioc plc.

we boarded the bus to mrt, den when alight from bus, i gave way to him haha.. den he was rushing for the mrt wif his frns. i jus took my time. surprising, the next train which i boarded, i saw a sec sch frn. nothing great to see tis frn, but at least i took the initiative to greet him.. n the good n nice news is tat, when i reached my mrt stop, i met a pri sch frn!!!

tis frn, abt few mths back, i keep seeing him wif a ger walking around. i know who he is, but nvr.. felt the motivation/push/urge to ack him. den tis time, we saw each other again, n i purposely slowed down.. n exchanged glances. haha, den we started to ack each otehr... he found mi familiar, but i oredi knew he was from my pri sch, so i told him heheh. we chatted.. n i peeped at his gym tone body :P he's wearing white cotton T some more, maing the cloth almost sticking to his chest, n nipps LOL.. *blush*

den, on friday, my usual meal stall.. the beng guy.. suddenly started to b frnly wif mi.. nodded his head as i finished my meal.

but the most iteresting 1.. (how many have i got oredi??).. is today, i went to get my lens.. sidetrack: funny siazz.. a staff at the optician there often look at my direction.. if he's familiar looking (like a fridae guy), den he's too old to be him. den i went for my haircut. i din really see the cute boy there siazz.. i dun wan ask too much,. so only when my haircut session started, den i ask if he's working tat day. den i was pointed to him!!

wahhaha.. i guess it's been a mth since he there liao, so.. more daring.. hair more stylish. but.. TO THINK I CAN'T RECOGNISE HIM!! or rather i dun wan appear too frnly.. dun wan scare him off.. i looked at him once, he lok familiar but i not sure.. n he was doing his hair.. look at him 2nd time, he turn around to see.. 3rd time i see.. he saw mi, n waved at mi... haha.. i waved back!!

den he came over to my plc (in the salon, DUN misread.. he feels very innocent, i dun wan anythign bad to happen to him.. or even to lead him astray) n we chatted. he still rmb mi wokrinjg in IT field! we chatted here n there.. wah liao, i regret not looking for him to do my hair siazz... i'll the next time i go. den when he came near my plc to take somethign, he's realyl cute to smile at mi when he pass by siazz.. den at times, i jus try to see where he is, on the pretext of looking ard :P.

i decided, b4 i laeve i will pat hsi shlder or arm n say goodbye to him. haha, n i actually did go up.. at a distance, i wave goodbye.. den i rmb i wanna tocuh him.. so i went up, n whispered to him "take care" while i patted his shoulder... WOW!!

sigh.. wif such disappointments in LTR, now i really focus on frnship liao.. wat's more, it seems like.. my frns all gonna leave singapore anytime. oz pal may go euro places to explore his white frns, while my gal pal will gonna b in india to work.. den another.. beng type ... frn?.. ok lah, frn n didi.. he oso planned to go aus after his ns.

i guess this is jus how life progresses. each to his own. everyone sooner or later has to plan somethign for his career.

i duno if this is the way thigns work in programming world..

my sup, when i first came in, told mi he dun wan surprises (in the sense, nothing much was told abt the progress, n progress was thot to b smooth. but end up actually got prob here n there, n "no time" to voice out). i totally like it. 'cos communication is very impt in a team. but in the end, he very often tell mi last min need to udpate certain data.. cos he jus realise the new data not in. n i had to do it last min.

n oso abt interface design. he told mi to create interfaces. i created. den on wed, he ask mi to develop another interface which will b used for fri demo. i was thnkng, since it's interface for them to see, y pass to mi oni now?? interfaces is wat the user shld see. it shdl b the minimal tat shld evolve when designing projects. at least, when during the demo, tis is wat the clients wanna see. den last min pass to mi, n wanna mi make it work. kauz!

wat i feel odd is tat, even after working for 1.5 mths, i know his style of working, but he still dunno how i'm thinking. when we discussing, he tends to tell mi wat methods to use n how to do.. but the things is tat, he is nt the 1 doing. how does he know if t works?

n even funny tonight. since mornign, he been tleling mi, how much thinsg he's got left do finish up. n in a few hrs, shld b done. den later, he say, he doing last section of testing. will finish in 2 hrs. 2 hrs later, he still doing, n an interface whcih suppsoe to b done up by him oso not done yet. i really duno wat i doing now.. for the actual 1, or for the fri demo siazz.. n later, when i almost finished my part , i asked him wat else i need to do. he thto i did not, within my capabillities, manage to finish the part. so he volunteered to help mi. cos he oso haven done the interface designing yet. we even argue who shld b resolving it, mi or him. cos he say he'll take 5 mins oni to do it, while i may take 15 mins. so if he do, will have extra 10 mins. but kauzz!!! i've been doing these things, n yet he doubted my abolities???? but since he seem persistent, i let him do it. but sensing my reluctance, he say he'll let mi do, but muz b within 5 mins.

know wat, 5 mins later, he really came to chk. DUH! b4 this, i oredi thot of wat to say if he really inspect. "wah u really come n chk ah?". but he din make it obvious. he more to checkignt he progress.. n he has not even finished his work yet. he even had the cheek to volunteer helping mi siazz.. den i finsihed my part b4 8pm. he say he gonna stay til 10pm, looks suprised tat i going home early. but the things is tat, he cant even track his own tiem siazZ!! he kept emphasizing on how exp he is, but the timing he so bad?? he keep thinking he can finish on tiem in 2 days, den GUI can b done in 1 day. but.. things din turn out. yet, he dared to tell mi abt time mgmt...

n hor, thie evening, i learnt wat does "a technical person cant communicate well" actually mean. these programmrs or designers, they have their ideas n wat-2-do in their minds. so when they speak, they know wat they are toking abt. n ake somehwo the shortcut. cos they thot the listener oso havw the same idea n topic. n sometimes, they jus speak watever they wanted to know. without guding teh listener to properly perceive their tinking. jus like tis sup, saying "u can do tis, store it, manipulate it, n den display it" but tat wat is in his mind. he have thot of tat plan. but th thing is tat, he say wat's in his mind, but i cant catch it LOL..

oso got 1 time, he jus say "u know u have to remove rite?" i was confused.. remove?? wat?? stored items, or for a remove purpose? i ask "u mean when click on reset?" he say "NO NO... ok i show u" he draw out the sequence diagram, taking up 5 mins. but, the things he wanna tell mi, i oredi implemented.

sighzz.. lack of chemistry..

haha.. 1 more thing. when he show mi some code, he'll rush to describe to mi wat he's doing. but being a programmer, by telling mi, it's his idea. but when i read the code, i can better understand wat he's doing... cos his words sometimes confusing.. but when he's reading my code, i wnana explain, but he stopped mi hahha,,

i came out to him, n he said he putting reln aside. he's going to germany for overseas assignment... oh well.. amei's "i want happiness" don't suit the mood now, but it says the heartfelt words of everyone..

about work

somehow, i really feel the need to source for new job... i really starting to feel tat, my current pay is veli low.. for a cert holder, even. cos after developing programs, writing code for 1.5 mths, i'm certain tat my cert means i'm of a certain calibre in order to obtain the cert. cos, within this time, i oredi managed to develop a full scale program.

having earned some exp in coding working programs, i guess i can say i'm more geared up for better prospects. not to say, i wil ltender, but i'll search around for openings. if the offer is gd, i'll jump. anyway, now i still prob, so oni 2 wks notice. at my plc now, other than doing wat i learned from my cert, i oso did things whcih i learnt during my java lessons.. more than wat i am supposed to do..

my oni worry is, how is the next prospect? and.. i oso hope tat i can b confirmed for a programming job.. dun let my mum worry.

===========

damn, my supervisor last min pass some work to mi, saying it need to b done by today. but tis work, he can jolly well give mi days ago.. no need so late. i know it's still my duty to ensure something can come out.. jus felt.. it's so the damn last min. somehow i feel tat, the sup is getting personal wif mi... not gettin back, but more to not having chemistry wif mi, although we have worked together n discussing for 1.5 mths. n sometimes, when his idea dun match mine, he is persistent in finding out why. but sometimes it aint impt... he knows his stuff n why things shld b done in his way. but all r in his thots, n when i cant catch it, he'll speak louder n harsher. kauzz.. oh well... it's worklife.

n a worse thig is tat, he ask mi develop an interface.. i took pains n time to develop. den suddenly this last min work, is to put an interface he thot of (functions similar to mine) to work, and making it work. i dunno wat gonna happen to mine. n i thot mine will be presented to the client tis fri. end up, his will.

he asked mi to make an interface, tat y i did. n i oso ask if mine will be used... he said it'll.. but not for tis friday

n jus now, i overheard his discussion wif the boss. when asked abt mi, he gave a "sigh.. " bla bla.. but i dunno which side of us went wrong. i feel tat i din get a clear enuff picture, n the way he describe things is not the way in which i understand things. got a few times, when i understand wat he saying, n when he asked mi to explain, i told him abt my understanding, but yet he dun get it, n thot i dun understand him.

i'm still contemplating of whether i shdl stay on anot.. muz think of whether it's a personal reason,or mroe for prof reason.. i dun wan to leave due to my sensitivity.. sigh, how come my career prospects always o uncertain 1?

==============

tell mi wat to do!! i msg the mgmt guy morning. den ask him how is his life n stuff. cos he gona b overseas working, i ask if he will b going into distance LTR. he reply "it's nto tat smooth going". i ask wat happen... den no reply.. so in evening, i took the courage to msg him "jus to tell u tat, no matter wat happen, u got a listening ear here, to let u pour out ur sadness and sorrow, take care "

he replied "thansk kevin, i regret of wat i've done.. i'm alright. u have a good evening. good luck in u studies"

upon tis msg.. emotions overwhelmed mi once again... thtos flooded my mind. i wanan reply to him, but i wanna keep tab on my intentionsn wordings. phrasings, n dun scared him off wif over the hill expressions.. yes i may b thinking to much. i took 2 hrs to compose the msg. i wanna say "i'm still here, waiting for u", "hope we can have a chance", "u still have mi here". but i wanna sound encouraging, n not too obvious (too direct) in my lines... n although it's easy to gain entry when someone's depressed, i dun wan take tis route.. i finally sent "hope u r really alrite, as such things need time to heal. rmb, i'm still here for u...in all ways. hugz

==============

haha. how does it fele to know tat... someone';s waiting for u? or did my sms pass tat msg??

pt 1

i managed to figure out 1 pt of my unbalance work emotions/attitude.

1) if i have no idea how to proceed for my work, or dunno where the proj/my work is heading, somehow, i will harbour the idea of leaving the job.. still pretty much unsettled huh?

wonderous experience in gym

wow.. been real busy these days.. but today, i felt it has an influence in my thinkni lifestyle n direction.. i have to jot it down..

a few days b4 the completion of ym proj, i decided to go gym on sunday to chill out. i got a 1-day trial anyway. n sunday, is my hand-in asgt day. so, sunday, my family went for bfast lah. the place where we had bfast, got a hunk working there to help his mum tend her shop. this hunk was a colleague of mine. den he buy kopi, i waved to him, he stunned, n turned back. hehe, later we went to his shop, n he say he din see mi wave at him ahah. but hro. his muscles REALLY REALLY big siazz!!! arms chest all got trained 1 siazz!! Mr S'pore junior? he FIT the bill!!

den later, i went to gym. my first time alone to a gym siazz.. tried outt eh things there, n looked at some passers-by. some seem aj-alike. got 2 who caught my attention. 1, he went past mi n smiled into his direction. i dun thin there's any1 he's aiming at... 2, nvm.. not impt.

after 2 hrs, i decided to go steam rm. i bath liao, n went for it. got a guy inside. he looks quite nice. n when he was sittign there, he loosened his towel but still covering properly. den i ask him wat's the temperature set, he moved to my side n told mi. n he sat there.n hor, this time, his towel is not covering his ass at all!! he';s showing his ass to mi!! n the towel is covering his thgh n below. i kept looking at his direction n looking at his ass oso. he den leaned back, n i oso look at the shape of his body.. quite toned... den he left the room...

so, i loosed my towel oso n sat in a paikia manner. those.. put 1 foot ont he seat. den he came in again. this time, he realy.. jus sitting on other side where we can still see each other.. n the towel this time, he is jus sitting there, wif towel loosely covering him n he strewtching himself! i kept looking, or rather we exchanged looks. den, he even lowered the towel to reveal his pubic hari siazz!!.. i den adjusted my towel oso.. until ,i got erection siazz!! but i was paiseh n din reveal it lol.. he look at my direction, n i stared at his pubic hair.. so seductive!

i was so stunned tat id unno wat to do.. i thot of using verbal communication to praise him.. but duno how to!! sigh, i decided to elave the rm... i stood up, took off my towel to rewrap, n compliemented him saying "you are sexy :)" he said "thx you" smilingly.. n i left the room.. i really dunno wat else i can do.. but before i step out of the the area n returning my things, i was thinking of wehther i shld go back n find him, or let it pass. i know i had to go office to finishs ome work. i duno if by going back, will i delay anthing anot.. but he's delicious! n it's now or never!

i den went back.. n went to the rm. sian, he's not there anymore. i was disappointed, n headed out directly.. n i sms'ed some frns abt tis... sigh.. all of them ask y i din take any actions.. do i look lik someone who def'ly take action? i will, when i feelt he need to, n know wat to do.. but this time, i really stunned. uninitiated for such ahppenings. i was actaulyl oso waiting for him to do something.. from wat i see, maybe i was sitting in paikia pose, he felt i'm a top n active.. so i shdl take action. i was oso thinking, how to make the verbal contact. but nahzzz, screw it. in future, i'll know wat to do.

such thigns, impromptu 1, where got verbal? everythign is abt understanding, mutual interaction. n reading of body lang. i decided, if i see such thigns, i'll probably sit over. if thigns go smooth, i'll reach for his hands, n start touching fondling n touching. duno wat will result.. dun wan to go for ons but dunno if such things usually end up as 1.

the funny thing is tat, i kept thinking of how i can improve my handling of such situations. n oso, i actualyl dunno a proper way fo getting to my office from there.. wah... SIAN.. but lucky, i took a bus n saw a way to reach office. n i'm prepared to finish work at 10pm. but strange, i managed to resolve the issue in 1 hr... den.. i tookt he time to.. try and find tat guy.. posted ad in sgboy, n updated my fridae profile... dunno wat will come out, but at least i try...

however, toking abt these.. i start to worry abt my directions in my gay lifestyle... ppl (who read my destiny b4) told mi abt my love life. it seems to be true.. tat y i'm waiting for the mgmt guy... but the mgmt guy,.. he's going overseas to work. if he does, lil chance for us to b together.. n.. i duno if he's stil lattached. the reason i bring this up, is that since this gym-ons experience, i find tat, other than exercising, it's a nice way to look out for ppl wif gym tone bodies.. my idea of those gay spas/saunas is really bad.. ppl really wif the main idea of F'ing each other, honry dudes, n really looking for ward to soemthing defl'y happening. esp in the dark rm, where releasing is top priority. tis gym, (today got lil ppl) is more serene, small size. thesteam room is oni for max 6 ppl. quite cosy. but if my intention, after this trip, is to seek out bodies from gym sessions, wun i b falling into the gay-gymers always seek sex category?

i dun like those gay themed place, cos every1 thinking of entering each other. but this plc, is probably wif a str8'er theme. n it's in working office area. probably catered for workign class ppl who wanna relax n chill out. i duno.. i dun wan fall into the gym-sex group, but tis exp has.. changed my thinking.. cos, it's where we can see each other, look at the bodies, n they probably of a certain lvl of thinking n maturity. n the lighting is clear enuff.

i had been to another steam room in the city area. those ppl... umm.. probably intend to visit city, so they visit the gym oso. overall, the gym has given mi some changes in thinking
1) gymt o keep fit n relax. - whih i love.
2) gym in such place, has a relax theme, instead of every1 rushign for a die-for-u gym figure. n it's not crowded. haha. again, well, it's sunday... ppl probably b heading for city to chill out, n not to office area..
3) in the steam rom, like today.. u know...

i dun wan go those.. rush hour gym... will b too packed. n esp those.. gay themed gyms..

oops... i'm losing my point.. wat i wanna say is, i'm waitignf or the mgmt guy. but wif the way things go, he's attached (?) n going overseas.. will there b a chance for us? if not, n wif my mindset tuning towards gym n relaxing (in all senses), i may really.. not consider LTR as a possible route for mi.. but take frnship as my priority.. n to heal my needs, may go such gyms to work out, n relax my self.. cos i find tat everytime after i workout (be it jus swim, or gym), i feel honry. cos i'm re-vitalised?

=====

a side issue. the bus whcih i took to work to day, i thot it ends at the mrt b4 my house. but kauzzz... it;s not... i even gong gong sit till it's reached its terminal stn den i can get home.. gosh.. for this wk of work, i oso expect ymself to... put in extra effort to make things work..

gdnite

happy, confused, bewildered,
kevin

i think i really have a high expectation of myself at work.. for the whole day, nothing productive was done. in the morning, my office PC OS hang big time, n i spent 2 hrs fixing it ,wasting mucho time. n den, for thw whole day, i was trying to figure out a way to retrieve data fromt he webpg.

u know.. when jsp printed a html page, i used a loop to print out all the relevant data. BUT THe prob came , when i needed to find out which item the person selected, so tat i can continue with the proper action, i jus cant find a way to do it!! i feel down n devastated. i been thinking the whole day siazz!!! i either did it wrongly, or some things can help to rectify the situation.. haizz.. i even wonder if i can stay on the job... i think tmr i will ask my colelagues for help really.. sianzz.. damn!!! i was even thinking of finishing the segment by toady!!! DARN IT!

hell came over mi.

for the past 3 days, i've been ... wanting myself to stay up n carry on my monash asgt. but.. i everytime jus sleep in the midway. like.. jus lie on the bed, n i dozed off in secs. yes i know it means i'm tired.. but i really need to keep myself awake! fwe days liao.. sianz.. almost felt useless.. n hopeless..

den at work.. sometimes, i'll feel "there's really no pt working there anymore.. i shld seek other java jobs". sometimes, i'll feel "i muz stay behind.. cos it's really my dream job". sighzz.. anyway, i realyl feel so disappointed wif myself. a few simples bugs, i took hours to find out n resolve. damn it. i failed my own expectations..

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did the going get tuff? on last night, i set my hp to buzz at 4am. when i woke at 651, i was stunned. and found that the buzz was not on. 2 reasons: i did not set it on, or i din wake up to its buzz. but i'm still determined to complete my asgt ASAP. now i understand the stress of studying n working at the same time. in my prev helpdesk jobs, we mainly.. stress during some major issues like "downtime" but that's just temporarily, cos we oni care abt when it'll b up, n demand for a report. but now, as a SOFTWARE ENGINEER, i am in charge of a product/project, n i WANNA see it thru. putting in extra effort is not an issue for mi.. provided i finish my asgt..

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blogging still? yes.. while i preparing my asgt.. ok, as i get more involved in a proper worklife (doing my dream java programming job), i begin to realise why.. in tis century, less couple r getting married, n the need for matching agencies.. every1 is so caught up wif the working life, and earning more money.. n wif earning of more money, the spending power increases. ppl have higher expectations of their life partners, be it guys or gals. wif higher expectations, it's getting more diffi to be aattached...

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taking a rest from my asgt... n watched a korean show on tv. the scene is about the guy who woke up to find himself in a hotel room, sleeping naked on the bed. a ger is standing by the window. ok, i'm not sure how this could have happened in real life, but why is it tat, every person will assume the guy did something to teh ger?? it's a common assumption! Other than the guy being honry, won't the ger feel shamed too? if the ger is unwilling, wun she resist? or, if the ger is forced onto the bed, wun the ger wake up crying or feeling helpless? if the ger is feeling "well, dun bother abt mi, i know we are not fated, but i enjoyed tat nite", does this not mean somethign fishy? why are the guys always the agressor and the ger always the victim?

i've nvr been drunk b4, and wun bed a ger. does pure intimacy on teh bed stain the ger (in the mindset of the current century)? or some evidence of action will then prove the staining? if the guy is really drunk, can he still feel the sexual contact?

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last para, b4 i post tis blog.
for this assignment, it seems like those mathematical questions will tend to stress mi out and burn my brain cells, while those questions which ask for elaborations and researching will be much easier.. cos' it's basically ur understanding of the topic, and some research, and not based on how well the lecturer has taught, and how much u've grasped from wat was taught.. u dun need to scratch ur head to determine how is the formula actually derived, used, and wat values to apply...

seriously.. i think the fat guy beside mi.. is really bias towards mi.

during lunch, i toking to them abt Despo hsewife, den he got irritated wif mi saying something whcih he din watch.. n kept turning his head away, and adjusting his posture.

den when my sup n i were fixing a program, he jus sat there, giggling at our -ve comments. when sup say "eh, how come it din come out??" fatty was jus poking fun at it. as though luffing at "hah! see, his programm cannot work!"

den, another time, i gonna take leave for my exam, i still on probation, fatty say "oei, unfair leh like dat!!" he may b jus kidding n teasing.. but it's.. jus.. unkind.

but somehow, i like it, when ytday, the whole team was finding out how come the XML is not working, they work on it for 15 mins, while i kept offering help to resolve it.. den when he finally let mi handle it, i resolved in 2 mins hahah..

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i applied for teh exam leave today.. den kena reprimanded. i agree i at fault, but the team lead oso cant escape. the team lead say, during interview, i din highlight to him, i am studying partime. but the fact is tat, he din ask oso wat. if he asked, i'll def'ly say. since he din ask, does it not mean, it's not impt, as long as we can manage the time properly?

den he told mi crudely, tat they dun ave exam leave, so i'll b taking unpaid leave, since it's not confirmed if i'll b staying there.

den.. cos the proj has been delayed for 5 days by the client, n 5 days by my exam prep period, team lead remind us to keep to our schedule, and tat, if the proj fails, the company need to pay damages, but i wun b liable. but.. (i din say these to him yet.. probably will tell tmr) i'll tell him, i take tis proj sriously.. cos it';s gonna b my product. it's not jus a job, but it'll b the fruit of my labour..

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well, a frn called mi jus now, saying tat he saw my fridae intro.. n made a promise, tat in 5yrs, if we both still single, he gonna make me his love. i;m touched by his words. but.. i'm kinda still waiting for teh mgmt guy.. i dunno how is he doing now. n probably wun call him.. but carry on sending greetz. if things fall apart, so be it. tat's all ;) nothing else need to b said..

i'm still unable to face my studies pressure. i'm tryign to my best to avoid it. clearing my mails on saturday, when i'm jus 2 wks from the asgt deadline, meeting a NSF at my plc on sunday noon, and going for a party at night. the good side is, i'm trying to refresh n enjoy myself to the fuller (i dun thik it's fullest yet), b4 i embark on a stressing proj.. somehow i surmise tat, i din score well in my prev asgt, so i have pressure doing it (well) again, esp when i dun even know how/wat i shld .. write my ans.

for the party, i'm glad.. i'm matured n sensible enuff.. cos the theme was not my style, but outta courtesy, i managed to stay thru'out the event. no grumbles from mi, but jus no interest to be part of the game. when the whole thing ended, went off for dinner.. n to mi, tis is where the fun began.

my frn is a caucasian. n he invited an asian to the party. i joined it. den.. b4 i joined the party, i knew the asian liked the cau. den when we went for dinner ,i cld feel tat the asian tried his best t be near n attentive to the cau. while,.. the cau.. was paying attention to me n my needs... when we ordered drinks, the cau wanted some warm n non sugared drinks n asked for green tea. but they dun have. den i ask if they have any tea drinks. den they suggest chn tea. the asian den... GRABBED THE CHANCE n ask wat kinda tea they using.. iron buddha? oh.. quite bitter, but the cau can take. so he ordered it. but wah liao.. he's so obvious siazz!!

tea, generally, is bitter.. isn't that so?? why bother asking for wat kinda tea they have?? since they aren't a traditional chn place, they wun have a variety of tea for selection. n yet he ask wat tea they use... duhzz... but the disheartening part.. is that, when footing the bills, he actualyl accepted the cau's $$.. if he took my $$ oni, it's ok. but he like the cau ,but dun even wanna take it as a treat for him. kauzz.. so narrow minded.

argh!! my asgt due on 14 may, now is half day past 1st may.. n i still blogging n wasting time.. sianzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

another taiwanese hunk, but not popular at all. perhaps oni known in taiwan. somehow, he seems famous for flaunting his body at the camera. i saw his.. kena sabo 1 time in a taiwanese variety, where it tricks celebrities or artistes into awkward situations and see how they remedy it. den tis person, i din take note at all. all i know it's in a gym place. the guy finished his session, taking bath, den eralise his clothes r missing. he came out in towels but cannot find.. den he call ppl come help him. everythign is oredi planned liao. n he was caught in national tv as half nude. i wun say he got fantastic fig, but he got the man charisma.. oh ya, in this variety in the pic, at the start, all the guests trying to fight for attention, den he started to unbutton his shirt right in front of the audience. not jus unbutton anyhow, but really face the audience to do it siazz.. n exclaim "tis is den called 'stealing' the show"

wow... cool man.. displaying his martial arts skills..

was channel surfign.. den at this suria channel, saw this "speech" scene, and ehhee, the guy in focus look so cute siazz... lol, i think his hands r behind him.. ready for some tying up fun?? =D

taiwanese hunk.. liu geng hong.. he got a fantastic body!!! but as a re-lived singer, his comp dun allow him to bare any skin.. or even appear sexy.. thus the black attire all the way.. good method.. but argh... where is our eye candy??

a cutie from a hk OLD movie.. supposed to b a horror show lah.. but.. the horror cant b felt.. anyway, caught a few different emotional expressions of the actor lol

a pic taken from "u think u can dance" contest. some guys dress up in this manner. r they trying to catch more eyes, or it's really needed, or it's simply too warm to dance wif a properly worn shirt?

oh.. my adam..

umm... i find him quite cute wif the cap n jacket.. a pertty small face for his body maybe?

i jus realise that.. some ppl (not my pals though) tend to tell mi their ideas and their way of handling matters... 'cos they feel i'm not handling in the rite way, or they jus wanna implant the way in mi? i know they r concerned abt mi.. but y do they insist in mi accepting their way?

anyway, it's.. sat morn. n gosh, i jus had a wondrous dream!!!! it happened a few hrs back liao.. so not realyl a deep imperssion of wat went on..

the dream went like tis: i was walking on the roadside, den a group of youngsters were cycling along. i tok to 1 of the guys. den we hugged each other. i felt soemthign for him. n somehow, i pressed my ptes against his.. thigh or lower part of body n lifted it up. DEN, his arm actually left my shoulder (or somewhere), went past my thigh, n up to my groin, felt it, n exclaimed something to his frns. den another frn of his came up, and we started kissing.. hahaha.. oh well...

n yes!! ytday, the progrez pkge is in liao!! n.. my pay chq gonna clear soon.. phew.. long time nvr see so much $$ in my acct siazz!!

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gosh.. i know i sound pervert here... my landlord reared a kitten in living room. jus now, i let it into my room. den.. it jumped ono my lap. i den laid down, n as it moves across my body.. i felt so.. kinky LOL...

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in fridae, i seem to be getting attracted to thais... whcih normally i'm not.. my usual impression of them is that they are quite dark, sissy, and mercenary.. haha.. maybe my circle of thai ppl isn't that big..

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" Duh...didnt i tell you older man are good looking and better than young punks?
management assignments? u need management guru to help?"

older guys.. not better looking lah.. they have a sense of maturity surrounding them lah.. young punks r CUTE@! n quite a challenge to bitch wif them.. n sad, i had some thing to bitch wif u,, but no chance when u came to singapore.
yes, i need some help wif my proj!!! where is ur promise?? lol.. i gonna start soon..

nowadays, i use gmail / yahoo website to chk email. n not used to replying blog commnts from there.. only when i got timet o clear the msg, n download the mails to my computer, den i.. feel like replying th coments.. so, a bit slow lah

" Please don't change the mouse cursor: "

umm.. perhaps... but if the cursor does not affect the familiarity of the pointer n finger, i may still change it.. to signify it's my territory lol

i'm beginning to realise the meaning of socialising n catching up wif frns.. ahah, i seem to be experiencing life and its meaning at my own dear expense.. so that i can live thru each stage of life...

on fri, night met up wif my gal pal. den saturday, met wif antoher frn (who is a salesman), den later went for classes. wah.,., the yandao beng went to sit wif a ger.. to avoid my stares, or merely to have a buddy for studies? dunno.. den... saturyda n sunday... all day been inside irc.. finding ppl to enjoy the nite wif.. ye, i'm bored.

i decided to.. make some time for my frns.. cos i'm really cooped up at home, n not enjoying the wkend, or personal time.. now arranged to mit a frn on wed n thurs.. n.. i really can't... for the sake of saving money.. keep going home to eat.. cos.. by not eating outside wif frns.. i losing time n chance to catch up wif them..

anyway.. on the bus to work.. saw the cutie on the bus again. haha, did he see mi when he boarded?? cos when he alighted, he saw mi, n gave a hasty smile.. almost.. stunned teo, but smile as courtesy lol.. cute siazz.. den they eating bfast in pantry.. i went up to greet them. hahaha... i find myself so frnly siazz!!! lol.. odd. cos, the guy frn of his, usually wear specs. i felt he was jus another avg guy ont he streets. din note him. den these days, he been wearing contacts n today, when i tok to him, he gave a matured n sensible response. quite a suave behaviour.. and the cutie is a boyish n shy response lol..

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am i rite to say that, it's better to work for ur interest than to work for the money? money is impt, but u have to have the interest to enjoy ur work.. if it's mere WORK for u, u soon will get tired of it.. i say tis, cos a fat colleague, is contemplating leaving.. cos, the company he looking at.. is offering 2.8. sigh.. deg holder.. if u r working for teh money, not interest, it's hard to find motivation when things cock up..

adam hosting...

adam in pink!

sianzz.. my bro suposed to marry in jun, den i can move back home liao, cos he will move out. den his wief's bro kena motorcycle accident n left the world. so now the marriage thing is left hanging.. this is 1 thing.

den.. the asgt marks r out... sianzz.. ahah.. no confidence in getting good marks.. cos i oni can maange 50%. den.. a bad... or jus news came in.. i heard my supervisor toking..

"boss, for our project, we need to get additional headcount.. the person who is here for the interview tmr, if he's in, i'll need him to work on the proj as well"
and
"our proj is currently lagging by 1.5 days..." boss replyed it's normal..

toking abt job security.. i'm always trying to b optimistic.. cos pessimism will oni make my life miserable. thinking abt these happenings, i wonder if my life is abt to change for the worse... cannot move back, n job not secured..

for my job, i can oni say, i hold a dip of 6yo, n got SCJP cert. some techniques of planning n anticipating i forgot liao. n i haven fully grasp my style of programming yet.. eg, if soemthign need to be out, wat info do i need to fully develop it.. so tat i can write up to the expected std.. i'll still jus do wat i can.. anyway, the drag on the proj is not my fault. it's the user's side always dragging the date..

oh ya, my msn says" regaining my self confidence".. it refers to how i normally interact wif ppl.. b4 my asgt, i may b totally kaypoh n wnana know things, try to really move abt n mix around. but last wk, i bee.. jus a loner style of living.. dun try to mix wif the crowd. n i realise y i have a bad start wif PR at my job.

when i started work, the person next to mi, pobabaly not receptive to having someone new sittign beside him. his replies to my prompts/qnchatlines, r all smiles, giggles or 1 liner, endign the chat. while another older-than-mi-by-1-yr guy. he is much more receptive to chatting n welcoming nwe ppl.. if i had sat wif him, probably, will enjoy better PR..

it's a saturday, teh day when i usually stay home.. both to save money, n to catch up on my studies.. but have i stayed too focussed on my studies? as in, i'm bent on studying n doing good in my asgt.. but m i too focussed on it? until, i lack so much social life n.. chilling out? n saving of money.. i know i can't spend too much.. so i usually force .. or make myself stay at home.. haha.. until i become my old self again.. "hoemly" guy, sensitive.. den today, after class, i went to shop around myself.. wah.. i really suaku siazz!! BIG TIEM SOME MORE!!

somehow, i really cant.. for the mere sake of asgt, coop myself up at home.. n dun care abt wat's ahppening outside.. i will grow very sick in the mind, n be very quiet.. i find tat my time mgmt really need improvement.. cos all abt doing asgt is to steer clear from all outing, n go for asgt. but it left mi to be ahermit. i dunno if this is an excuse for mi to be alone anot.. but i been missing out a lot.. n wanan catch up wif frns.. but got constraint here n there, making my life misrables.. i somehow need to juggle properly between asgt, outing, n work..

oh well.. can say i've been brought into proper living by my gal pal... the strange thing is, sometimes her words can carry proper reasons tat i feel slightly pressured by her when she ask mi for my opinions.. in terms fo work, i know my stand n POV. but when it comes to discussion on singing.. hahaha.. i can oni go by my feeling.. n soemtime she jus like to refute lol..

sigh.. u know wat? all along i was working in the helpdesk area.. so toking over ph wif proper comm skill is a must. so kinda like i get to tok quite a lot, instilling confidence for my comm skills. n when it comes to singing, i'm ok. but then, now in my new job.. gosh... 1 day i duno if i will manage to say 20 lines siazz.. cos as prograsmmer, all u do is think, think think. think until u dun have much chance to tok.. unless it's jus mere conversations... n then, i think due to this, when it comes to singing, i fared BADLY!

i actually.. din wan go ktv.. jus a suggestion niazz, but end up still went for it.. but singing ktv, made mi realsie abt the toking part... now, i cant reach certain notes, as somehow, i forgot the notes.. n my mouth is not fast enuff to spout out the words.. gohs.. ahaha, how shld i balance myself???

i suspect my sch proj is affecting mi... causing mi to lose confidence in myself... haizz... getting tired..

n i have thot of, again, changing company today.. well, due to non-enjoyable lunches.. but.. kauzz.. everythign is alright.. the workload, wat i learn.. is alright.. less the tranport fees lah.. n how isolated we are from public transport. lunch is cheap as usual. but.. i wonder if.. enjoyable lunch is part of criteria for an enjoyable work env.. 1 fact to consider is, the age of my dip.. n the fact that i'm new to practical knowledge.. n.. i'm REALLY really alright wif the workload.. jus tat.. i can't click wif the ppl here.. i can b a loner during lunch.. no prob, since i cant click well wif some colleagues..

ok.. tok abt mi now.. wah liao.. last nite, the whole office at 610pm, i all alone in office liao. den decided to KO earlier oso.. sigh, din enjoy bus trip, den teh mrt came jus as i went up escalator, so i boarded it. when i alighted, the positioning n location of the point so not like the past times.. felt so odd.. n my timing oso funny.. bit too early to dinner, but if go back home, will b 2 hot, go family, dunno if dinner is ready.. i decided go family. but... alas, dinner not ready. after dine, tried to rush home.. to catch a guy smoking.. den oso no luck. next morning, not on time to get TODAY.. n the bus to work not crowded like usual.. plus the cutie not there..

enuff.. today, after work, chill out wif frns.. umm.. n i somehow find tat, since my asgt stress, i kinda gettign anti-social.. n short tempered if care is not taken. cos i dun like to mix wif crowd liao.. but.. is the stage of coming out.. really so std?? eg.. flirt wif ppl, have flings, chiong pubs, getting picked up.. in the chill out, met up a frn.. who.. although he had turned gay 1 yr back, i jus know oni today. now, he's really getting much more flamboyant, n conclusive, impatient, n maybe impulsive liao.. he tok abt his clubbing exp, tok abt getting bfs n having sex.. sounds so much like.. or perhaps exactly like.. mi n oz pal 3-5 yrs back, when we started enjoy gay life.. does this cycle happen to ppl who jus came out.. n wanna have a glimpse of gay lifestyle? cos in clubibn n sauna, it's easiest to look at good bodies... n get to know ppl.. but oso an easy way to lose urself..

i perhaps m stressed out.. so when i hear his tales, i merely thot "oh well, another punk telling his coming out exp..."

umm.. not been posting for some time.. i think.. did any1 miss my blog?

anyway... a qn:
1) How does it feel like, when your colleague ask you out for lunch with 2 other colleagues, but end up, for the 1 hr lunch, u tok no more than 2 lines? cos they bz toking to 1 another... at most you can only smile or giggle at their responses...

2) Holding a diploma of 6 yrs old, and having a java cert of .. 8 mths. den u got a job working in a company having < 10 ppl inside? den.. from wat u know, 90%, if not 100%, got deg, while u the oni person holding an OLD diploma. oni thing tat got u in, was the cert?

oh well.. not a very good start for the whole 24 hr..

for 1) i've decided, i'll somehow, join the trio for lunch, oni when i think i shld.. otherwise, i'll stick to myself oni. cos, practically, i dun tok at all.. their topic revolve around themselves, and i'm kinda shut off from them during their chats.. well, i know they r used to trio-some, so.. y shld i try to break into it? perhaps it's partly due to 2)..

sianzzz.. know wat? jus when i thot i finished my asgt liao, i realise the marker is looking for antoher way of answering the qns.. OMG! now have to find some time to re-do those qns..

n.. speaking abt twitching again (yes, i bene on this topic freq'ly), sunday mornign has been bad... woah.. our all-time fav braised duck mee stall first tiem give us less meat, more bones. den the fish balls no more, n the roti prata guy.. i told him "having here" n he still "packed it". later i told him we havign here, he den.. buay song but still have to bring over..

wah liao.. sunday damn hectic siazz.. rushing my proj, but oso need to help a frn setup laptop, den wanna watch TV, n meet antoher frn for disucssion on policyl..

anyway, the fun day is.. today i gues.. yes it's today. ie.. monday. cos.. haha... the cutie on bus as well. this tiem, really. is... a chance siazz.. or rather, i decided to make it inot a chance.. my hair is styled up, den he board the bus. immediately, i felt tat i want to know him today.. i immediatley told myself how to react later.. shld we b in the asme lift again. saying myself to smile, n relax.. dun get tensed up. b cool... hahah..

den jus nice.. when enter the lift, it's not noisy, n mi, cutie, n his frn all at the back of teh door. but cutie at far end. haha... after the door closed, i initiated chat..

mi "u guys work on the 9th flr oso?" *leans up to see cutie*
his frn hesitantly "ya.."
mi "oh.. everytime, i come to work, always see u guys in the lift.. for 1 mth liao. i'm kevin, u r?"
his frn "ZB" *not keen to jot down oso :P
CUTIE "Gordon"
mi "how long u guys been here oredi?"
his frn "3-4 mths.." *cutie went to press lift button*
CUTIE "abt 4 mths liao.."
mi "oh.. it's 1 mth for mi.. this is my 4th wk.."
they "we on IA"
mi "oh.. mi not".. n we parted as we exited from lift..

den.. it's all abt work liao.. bz like hell.. even skipped lunch.. it's tiring n exasperating.. but i like it.. cos i enjoy doing it.. it's my product :)

ytday, i know i surely got thigns to do.. at work lah.. was expecting myself (my own expectations) to fnish the work by day end.. thinking i;ve done the required research.. but haha things turned out tat more research need to be done siazz.. in the end, half day spent on understanding the logic, n researching on wat can be used.. using Eclipse program to do java. but.. eclipse is a new program for mi, n the "tutorial" not helpful in my sense.. but i know, wif my luck, knowledge, enthusiasm in java, i can finish it for sure haha..

now monday evening is the due date. i wonder.. if thigns r not up to stds, will i get some demerit point?? wel, i will jus try my best. i will jus accept any fault they point at mi.. n improve.. instead of defending myself.. cos it's the time for mi to learn, not time for mi to defend..

alright, now is the wkend liao.. esp got gd fri to rest (or rather, to kill time, cos my work proj they thot fri is workday, den include in time planning. but end up it';s a holiday. but the date still monday). last wk, i oso wanna rest. my way was to chll out n do some exercise to relax.. in the end, somehow i did not manage to release my stress tat well.. last sat, swam, went office, went classes, met up frn for diner, n a frn for vcd-marathon. sunday, went bfast, and went aunt there to relax. but in my mind, i still have something bothering mi.. a load on my shoulder.

tis wk, i gonna stay home, read bk, n watch video to clear up pc space.. haha, jus now saw a fridae profile stating "unconditional love to give..." this phrase made my mind flood wif thots. the person is 36yo. does it mean that, love is so great n compulsive n compulsory, tat every1 muz get it?

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jus saying tis in general: even if u r in sales line, there is no use saying "u r 2 busy wif ur apptmt, n no time to mit wif frns.." cos.. being a sales person, time plannign is impt for u. if u really keen in meeting frns up for a meal, u will surely find the tiem to do it. it's all about whether u really want to make the effort to put aside soem tiem for it..

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wat the hell.. doing an analysis chart for a sch proj.. i was searching the internet for a program that can draw out a comparison chart for equation.. den frustrated cos i cant find. went for haircut (the stylist quite cute in his behaviour maybe cos' he jus got xferred here n it his first day ehre haha), read my bk, n found a way to create the graph.. i was mad n excited. den when i got home, the graph thing cannto be found!?!?

rmb ytyda, i was toking abt my sad mood.. end up i lay down on bed at 1145pm, n i din even bathe yet.. miraculously, my hair actually looked beter like tis lol..

anyway, in the morning, i woke in wee hrs again.. feeling trbuled over my job.. wondering if i shld look for other job, or hang on to tis.. i was bored in tis job.. given lil n minor tasks to perform everyday.. so slow tat i even dozed off.. i was really contemplating abt leaving my job.. cos i cant click wif my colleagues,, felt ostracized.

but thinking properly, i got a 5-yr old dip, n taking deg studies now.. who will wan employ siazz.. i oso din feel like waking up early.. n even thinking of.. reverting my old style: keng mc.. n rest at home.. but well, tis fri is holiday liao.. so i'l jus hang on till fri. btu i simply cant force myself to get up to take my usual train timing. so.. i took delayed train. n SURPRISINGLY, the cute guy.. today oso taking the same bus wif mi to work!!! so coincident!! n i can feel tat, he really felt odd abt mi lol..

den at work, i can say today is my more enjoyable day.. cos,, after wks of slacking, bss suddenly say he wan the proj to be running by monday. so now, need tor ush liao.. i dun mind it though.. at least, will b eoccupied.. lol.. tis tiem, i really felt useful hahah.. den during lunch, well, i know liao.. so i jus told my office, i going lunch.. den my supervisor joined mi.. i dunno whether it's joining cos he wanna tok to mi, or he dun wan make things look so bad.. but.. i'm ok 1 lah..

in fact, in morning i stil lfelt bad n demoralised. no motivation.. toked wif a frn abt it. we somehow concluded that, i shld stay on.. since i'm ok wit the work.. n heck care the politics n office relns.. jus do my work n hand in proj. well, i thot it thru oso.. if they dun wan mi join them, wat for insist? i wil jus eat alone loh.. nothign wrong wif it.. n so good.. or bad? at the same time, i given more work to do.. i oso happy..

den after work, i went to discuss studies asgt wif my understudy back in ns. but somehow, i dunno y.. our thots n ideas dun click.. perhaps he is rushignt o finish his asgt, while i still jovious n joking? whiloe discussing n exchanging ideas, i feeel as though, we r more of proving ourselves as the righter guy, the clever person, n the smarter guy.

had a premonition that something good will happen in morning. unexpectedly, on the bus to work, the bus was not crowded, n i sat behind cute guy. n in e lift, i stood besde him as well..

den.. at work, it's become obvious (at least for today), tat the 2 colleagues.. cant click well wif mi, n prefer to lunch by themselves. haha, i dun blame them.. 1 guy commented i always ask funny qns.. strange.. those place, which the turn over rate is high, the ppl will b ready to receive new staff. those place, which turn over rate jus ok 1.. or low, the ppl quite reserved when welcoming new guys.. n den, although now i'm getting more op[en-minded n frnlier, but the ppl may feel i'm a bit.. fakely outgoing? dunno.. well, i know where i stand .. i'm true... always.. n they dun ask mi out for lunch, i'm ok.. i dun think it's a pre-requisite to b on frnly terms wif 2 colleagues jus to stay in tis job..

my gal pal is quitting her job.. n finding greener pastures.. cos she can't find her direction in her current job.. wat abt mi? a holder of a diploma which is 5.. or rather 6 yrs old, who wnana make it big in programming. i oso wanna do good. but my dip is too old to prove anything.. jus my cert alone.. i'm not sure.. n it's oso really tiring to keep going for interviews, coping wif studies, n keeping ur job. i saying these, cos i seldom hear of ppl, quitting of their own accord.

n now.. i felt i'm burnt out, stressed, too pressurised to perform well in my job? my guesses. felt like having someone to hug, a shoulder to cry on.. i dunno y i wanna cry.. jus felt like it.. the wkend, i dinr ealyl rest much.. although i thot i did..

==========

den last night, met another frn suddenly. umm.. tis frn is someone i like lah.. i thot it's a meetup n chat session.. but den.. he does not seem to show iterest in toking.. but more to biz planning.. i felt he took mi more like his client den a frn.. i voiced tis out to him. but he claimed that, he treated mi as hsi frn.. if not, he wun bother to take the time to explain things to mi.. well... i know better than mi lohzz. i told him, i prefer to b more on the frn side, rather than turn our reln into a biz partner. den later, we did chat. but sighzz.. i still suspect he has something up his sleeves..

=========

now, i feel tat i am cut off from the world...

right now.. i lokoing for ideas to improve the appearance of my blog.. like changing mouse cursor.. n a column to put links to variosu tests///

Your Birthdate: July 28

You have a Type A personality so big it makes other Type A's shrink away in shame. You never shy away from adversity - and you love to tackle impossible problems. Failure is not an option for you, and more than a few people are put off by your ego. You tend to be controlling, and you hate leaving anything up to chance. Your strength: Your bold approach to life Your weakness: You don't accept help Your power color: Bronze Your power symbol: Pyramid Your power month: October

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

renfred at the ktv room...

renfred promo the finals of campus superstar competition

renfred's performances on stage...

i cant call him cutie. but he's handsome for his age.. n oozes charm easily.. i gues he'll b a prince charming as he grows up..

his tv promo during the competition of campus superstar

i can oni say, threats work on ppl who dunno how to protect themselves, or they have no way to fight back. n threats coem from ppl who dunno how to resolev issues properly, n jus wish to resolve it in their own-own way... whcih can b disastrous, esp when u thin that is the best way. rmb abt the "rash" period..

a threat for renfred.. an UNINVITED THREAT.. AHAH.. is this the cycle of life? when we r teens, we think og fighitng n threatening to shwo our aggressiveness, and vitality and for face. den as we mature, we seek other ways to express ourseles. den when we look back the yrs, we luff it off.. saying "i was rash in my younger daze".. den.. now... the teens of this digital age is still so threatening..

anoterh/// cute guy of the past... he was quite alright, n making a name for himsel;f.. but MTHS later... hahah.. gone down the stage... i even rmb, he starred in a taiwan show at least 15 yrs back. den he was in a room.. i was ready to change his changing clothes scenes.. n ahah.. viola!

adam being sissy...

adam interviewing hot babe michelle chia

adam filming wif michelle..

adam being gay.. lol

another close up of adam!!!

a rather attitude n beng guy of the past.. i used to like him.. when he was filming wif chew chor meng..

pretty much things to say... wil b a long blog

on friday, my last possible day of asgt submission.. haha.. somehow, i left office 30 mins earlier (office ok 1.. cos they know quality of work is not measured by quantity of time spent in office). wah.. luckily i check wif a classmate. he reminded mi of time lag!! 2 hrs!!! if not, i wun rmb it.. n i think i'l b late for sub siazz.. cos muz submit by 12mn their time. since it's so rushing, i rush home to do my asgt first.. den submit... phew... felt glad tat i submitted it. but den.. after submitting, i only felt.. "yes, i submitted liao".. but no feel of "HEY, I FINSIHED LIAO.. YUAHOO!!!! TIME TO ENJOY!!"... dun ask mi y.. i duno oso. n i decided, i'll def'ly go for swim next day to relax...

==================

sat, my schedule is PACKED... but lone activities lah.. went for bfast, den swim (did some stunts there lol.. n saw a few lean bodies, n cuties, had a pretty nice tan oso). 1 grouse. i exited from mrt train n went for the exit gate. usually the side of gates i exit from, all the gates r for exit. den today, oni the one meant for luggage access is available, all others got the X sign. umm.. ok.. i thot. den.. on the opposite end, got a few ppl wanna enter the gate. first, a caucasian lady. so, i went for the luggage gate exit. surprise, she went for it oso. n she got to it b4 mi. so, the gate opened, n i jus stood there, waiting to exit. den behidn her, got another indian ger. SURPISE AGAIN. the indian gerjust followed suit n entered from the luggage gate. i still stood there, looking in bewilderment.

and finally, right after the indian ger came in, an indian man walked in as well. i stared at him. he jus looked at mi n moved on.

wat r they doing????!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??! is it so hard, so tuff, so far, so difficult, so impossible to use the normal gates?????? HEY, all of them R NOT CARRYING ANY HANG LUGGAGE!!! at most the caucasian ger was carrying a bag on her back! wat r they thining?? got ppl use the gate, so they muz follow n use?? so they simply bochap wat other ppl r waiting for, n proceed to use the luggage entry cos it's wider??!??!?! hey, there is no exit gate at that side, but oni the luggage exit for mi to use. on their side, unless smrt system cock up, 3-4 machines are FREELY available for them to use!! OMG!! n... mind u, whenever non-locals visit any country, they r acting as the unofficial embassador for their country. this is a fact. my impression of a friendly n considerate caucasian (they usually appear friendlier mah) has been tarnished by the ger. DAMN!

haha.. den forget abt bitching.. (i dislike it, when i'm in a rush, n loking urgent, den ppl think u have something up ur sleeve.. n give u those suspicious looks). den, i was at a busstop where.. varsity students' buses will pass by n students will alight n .. transit etc. hehe, got a cutie walk past mi, n we exchange looks. he reacted alright. den he sat beside mi, n i looked at him a few times again, he appeared ok too. den my bus came, n i boarded it n sat on upper decker. surprisingly, he came up n sat a 2 seats before mi!! i was... thinking.. shld i b so bold to go up n .. tok to him?? argh.. was confused siazz.. n i went up after 10 stops.

mi: sorri, do u take tis bus often?
he: no.. y?
mi: cos i think i find u familiar
he: umm.. i dun thin so
mi: r u from "poly" or "sec sch"?
he: no..
mi: u join any public activities.. like flag day?
he: not realyl...

oh well, tat spells the end of my luck in.. picking ppl/frns up... sighzzz.. i tried it in oz.. in the pub.. tat tiem failed. n tis time failed oso... argh.. i'm bolder these days.. but.. i need results to encourage mi siazzz... haizz..

den in my monash class, the beng style guy.. today wearing tank top.. lol... haha.. saw his full arm, n the side f his chest lol... i think.. for our sake (studies hor.. du think wayward), i'll try to ask him join mi n 1 guy.. to form study group.. at least to discuss asgt/exam.

==============

later went to meet a frn... umm.. i know tis will surely b enjoyable.. cos my premonition told mi meeting will b fun, but 1 hr later ,beware... so, true, meeting for dinner very smooth n fun!! we toked freely, no boundaries or limitations.. some teasing here n there.. n building chemistry. near an hr later, we went off for another hearty chat elsewhere, or so i thot. den we saw an organic vege restaturant. we den discussed abt the food. i realise.. if i insist n describe further, it may lead to conflict of thinking n heated discussion.. so i stopped. i thot tis is the bad omen coming true..

but later we resolved it, by discussing it in a frnlier tone.. n open minded thnking. we later went to tis frn's office... ok lah. call him my poly frn.. dun say "no name" given. i thot... really thot... will b sitting down n chilling out.. in end, he started telling mi his biz plan... till now (blogging time), i still thinking, is the biz plan the bad omen, or the organic thing..

yes, i'm not ready for him to tell mi his biz plan suddenly. but since ppl (everyone, ie) has such needs, n i can afford for this need to take place, i;m ready to hear his plans. in my heart, i was thnking of "wah liao, again another person keen to jus earn money..", but i thot, since it'll b beneficial for my future, n i can afford it, y not listen thru first?

we oso toked abt blogging siazz.. haha.. n i quite surprised tat. he, being someone who is not IT inclined is oso blogging n managed to make a grp of frns thru it... but y shld i b? he's walsy been pretty out/easy-going for frnship.. he's relaxed, cheerful n.. etc lol.

in fact, i oso yearn for such... big group of frns.. but oh well, i am not ready for such... happening yet.. i stil lneed to scrimp n save..

the most interesting part of the ngiht is... my gal pal, offered mi a movie marathon (like past 2 wks). i am ok, so we supposed to mit n watch it. den later ,she say no good movie. unless i watch her HDD movies. i'm ok.. but the catch is, i muz bring my lcd monitor over. WAH KAU! i den suggested she come voer.. since my place got internet n monitor. den.. in end, she did come over.. n we had a fun chat lol.. however, in the end, we realised tat, we read too much into each other's lines n thots!

she was thinking.. i am bored n needed movies to kill time. tat y i so persistent to watch them.
but, i was thinking, she is feeling bored to stay home, n wanan find chatmates, so, well, i dun mind catching up wif her..
haha.. she even say her request for "bring lcd monitor over" is a hint tat we dun need to mit liao.. but i thot she was serious abt tat.. cos she always grab every chance to take adv of mi 1.. making the whole thing suit her good. in end, she came my place, n went off at 3am. shiok hor?

==================

sunday, super mood. cos... a long time no felt mood came back. i felt dejection in going for work tmr... while i ironing my work attire. i jsu felt.. i dun wan go back to work.. i dinno wat gave rise to tat.. till sunday evening, when i felt it may be due to "i was nto doing anything productive, as the progress is sLWO. n the reln in office not tat good ,but i will overcome in tiemt o come." n den, for bfast, we went amk there... hahah.. there, my mum saw politicians there.. n she.. BOLDLY went up to greet them n shake hands!! WOW!! n she was beaming afte rthe handshake!

1 thing to mention here is, i din realyl care abt hand shaking wif them.. but it';s a muz.. n basic courtesy... i dun even find the moment glamourous in my sense.. other than highlighting this handshaking thing to my frns... to boast the once-in-a-lifetime chance.. hahah. i wun even bother to take pic of them n post here..

*phew... took 1.5 hrs to blog... WAH...

um.. hahah.. have i grown (too) sensitive on ppl's behaviour?? somehow, i can interpret human behaviour (thru life exp) n guess wat they r thinking and their person. but at times, they did not mena to say tat... although they r doing such actions...

at my workplace, got 2 guys who same level as mi, but worked here longer than mi of cos. then, on my first/2nd wk here, they ask mi along for lunch. but soon, they din really care.. i mean, 1 time, they jus went off for lunch w/o telling. den the fat guy, when i try to make a joke, he will play it down...

oh well, i dun think my job need mi to b on GOOD terms wif ppl.. jus toking terms will do.

==============

i've finally finished my assignment.. haha.. sigh of relief yet.. but.. as the module say. project mgmt... n time mgmt. doing tis proj.. it's kinda.. not jus ans from the bk, but we really muz imagine n think of a possible scenario n give them the details of the proj in words.. this is the challenging part. when i tried to start on the asgt, i thot it'll b a simple first assignment. but as i progress to the project plan, i began to feel the strain, cos we have to really.. imagine a proj tat we wanna do, n plan the times n contrsaints wel. tis is indeed time consuming for mi, esp, when it comes to those biz rules n description.. like contigency plans. this is a really biz-like side.

haha.. i realise ta,t i really shld not jus assume this wikl b easy first asgt. probably shld have read thru it, and saw.. some sample...

anyway, asgt hand in liao.. tmr i gonna swim to relax...

wat the heck. my asgt is due on fri. on mon n tues night, i was trying my best to stay up till late night. but heck it, i felt drowsy/dizzy/sleepy n let myself lay down on bed. soon, i dozed off. i woke up at 4am on tues morning. i decided i MUZ finish a part b4 i get some more rest. as a result, i got tired at 4pm.

tues night, oso thing. sianzz.. i even dozed off, at 1155pm, n woke up in shock at 1214am. i saw the time, cos adam's show was on liao. i den drowsily answered 1 asgt qn. but felt disastrous, n fell back on bed. i woke at 4am, but decided to have a proper rest, if not, my work sure sucks.

tonight, i have to resort to watching vids to keep myself up liao. hope itll work.

==========

anyway, this morning has been pretty fun... well... the cute guy takes the bus, den is in the lift wif mi. den i was sms'ing. n i took the chance to take pix of him silently LOL........ den, i saw him twice. 1 time, he bought back his lunch to eat. den, 2nd time, i saw him wif his colleagues discussing abt electronic devices.. when i went to toilet. hahaha... den when i came out, i again looked at him LOL..

den.. today, is my first time not to feel tiresome when i KO. usually, i'll b in foul mood.. maybe today, i chatted wif my tech lead. so, some weariness is gone.. but hor, the pt is, i saw a guy on the bus, whose features is alike my.. first date.. n when i took my dinner, there was a beng-type guy sitting opposite mi hhaha..

============

somehow, am i missing out on lotsa fun? not sexual fun, but blessings for the eyes LOL.. i am thkning, when everythign is over (umm.. including work? studies n asgts? or watever i can think of), i'll probably.. (or when i feel LOADED) probably visit those pubs n discos, sit outside there n drool over those fashionable dudes lol.. i know i wun go for ONS.. so, probably will oni b looking and enjoying the scenery.. hahah

the mgmt level guy did not msg mi for a few days. n i din send him any greeting msg as well. den on monday, i recv a greet. i check that it was from him. gosh, was i excited! almost like those "Charmed" sisters.. phoebe, who wil lsay "OMG, OMG, wat shld i do now??" n the guy is a matured thinking person, who wears a tie to work n has his own office those type. haha, these were my thots lah... but i din put these thots to action lol (read: drama).

i'm studying proj mgmt now. my first asgt is abt managing a fictious project. wah, i'm in luck siazz.. in my current job, we handle projs. so, i can think of a proj tat my company is handling n use it as a sample. wah, if i still at my old job, i wonder if i'm able to think of 1 siazz.

n these days, i been taking mrt to work. soemtimes, it seems that commuters who r in executive wear (long sleeve type) are more ready to give way, when i whispered "sorry" during ym exit. for those who in tshirt n some elderly ppl, they prefer to stay put in their area, n not to give any space for ppl to alight...

umm... did i mention, these days after KO, i'll get withdrawal symtoms in my head? will feel my head is very heavy n in bad mood. why? somehow, i guess it's 'cos this time i really look at my pc all day long, w/o letting my eyes rest. i din even try to tok n chat wif my colelagues.. been veli silent, n not mixing around much. but i guess from tmr, i'll try to chat more..

toking abt premonition... or omen...

hahah... at 12pm, my left eye twitched. den 1 hr later, my right eye. den a while later, my left eye again. 4pm, i will b in my class.. wat will happen? duno.. my usual time to arrive for class is 415pm. i got there at 425. the prime seats on the left, 2nd row taken up by the stylish guy (i tink i mentioned him last wk?), 3rd row by 2 gals (who i asked to look at their textbk last wk). so i took the 4th row. when i went in, the guy looked up, i abt to smile at him, but he dropped his head down liao.

after sitting, on my right is a hideous male. who is talking to 2 gers in front. when they stop, i ask the hid male abt an individual proj we need to finish.

me: have u done the asgt?
he: no.. haven yet..
me: den which qn u done till?
he: err.. qn 2...
me: so for qn 1, how long did u take to finish it?
he: err.. actually i haven do qn 1 yet. i did qn 3-5, den went to qn 2. so ahven do qn 1 yet.,.
me: oh.. ok.. thx :)

gosh.. lie oso dunno how to lie properly?!!??!?!? his words n his thots dun match at all!!!

somehow i thot tat is really a bad thing. at 4pm.

den thre was a break at 6pm. i decided to ask another person. ask, so tat can know soeone from the group, n know a new frn lah.. the stylish guy went off for his break. den i turned around. got 1 ger n guy sittign separately. i asked the guy abt asgt. we hit off quite alright. we even exchange msn. den hor, i saw the stylish guy come in, n saw tat we chatting there... well, nothing to say abt it lah

===============

den on sunday family bfast... i made my dad irritated/angry. i know, cos he's mumbling non-sensically. toking about a topic outta the blue. well, i was taking a fried item (you tiao), n saw a black dot. i ask mum, she say it's sesame seed. i was bewildered. my sis looked curious, so i showed her oso, den my dad chup in, saying "jus a sesame seed. nothing 1 lah. can eat 1 lah". but the thing is that, he din see it at all. i was oni asking. he sounded as though, i about to throw it away, without eating it. i retaliated, "i am oni asking. can i?".. den his mumbling started..

=================

today is oso the final showdown for campus superstar. of cos, the zhiyang has the vocal talent, but .. well, renfred has got the stage... presence.. or in my opinion, he can perform well on stage, and knows hwo to showcase his (dance) talent. i hoep renfred will win, but i know it'll b disastrous if he does, as he cant match any of the 3 finalists. however, wif his family bg, he managed to score high in the popularity votes. for the first 2 rounds, he's the more pop guy in terms of viewers' voting. den, suddenly at the deciding round, he lost the edge. i know it's "definitely the right way thigns should b". however, why did he suddenly lose the edge??

when he gave his thank-you speech, he mentioned "god parents". at tat instant, i felt soemthign was wrong... did he realise tat, he really shld not advance anymore, so, at a point, he requested his family to stop voting? if not, i really dun believe his votes cant surpass zhiyang. renfred know tat, his g-parents r supporting him tremendously, so when he gave thx-u speech, he really thanked them a lot for supporting him to this stage.

wow... the power of money. n the power of good looks =D

==============

sigh, back to my monash.. a proj mgmt asgt (very theory) supposed to hand in on 7th apr. i thot of focussing on it on 2nd apr, n finish. den thot, i might as well start reading up on 1st apr night. so, i did read up on 1st apr. but till 2nd apr, i finished reading the notes (wif a headache caused by stress), evening liao, i stil din start yet.. haizzzzzzzz

focussing on reading my monash book "Introduction to Management Science", cooping myself up at home. For economic reasons as well as for academic purpose.

however, over months, n months (yr is 2 long), an ex-frn of mine has been tryign means and ways to contact mi. msn, frnster, hp. n perhaps some other legal ways. my way of forgiving is, is the person really sincere in making up, he'll try his best to contact u n stay in contact. this person has now tried really various ways. he even register in flix movies n asking mi to join him. although i'm not sure if the "joining" is done wif real intention, or he's still having my address in his contact list.

if he's really so keen, i dun mind staying in contact with him, but our closeness will b cut to minimal. i no longer can share my intimate moments wif him, n no longer trust him wif watever he says to mi. being "used" is 2ndary. used, as in, he making use of mi for monetary gains. n.. now i'm really tight financially, or as always. he's a person who enjoys going out n staying out. i'm gotten out of that cycle. i'm nto sure, if i still keep in contact with him, will these affect our "frnship" ("" is on purpose) adversely?

adam.. in last ep..

renfred doing promo for campus star..

liu geng hong doing stunts

sebastian on bed..umm.. i have such pic already.. but .. wat the heck

i'm feeling depressed... somehow.. ;) dun feel joyous.

anyway, 1 funny thing happened today, which i felt i went slgihtly overboard.. but how else shld i react??

on the bus to work, usually i will see an avg'ly cute guy after i alight, walking wif his bespectacled frn. i will take note of him, def'ly. den today, so qiao, while i waiting for the bus, i saw a cute guy in plain T and jeans, toking to his frn. wah.. i keep looking siazz... my bus came. i boarded it. later he came up as well. ahha, he did notice i was lokoing at him ;)

little did i expect, when i alight the bus, this guy is the one who i see everyday! but tis time, matter got worse slightly. cos on the bus, he saw mi looking at him. so, when we walked into the blding n into the lift, i was all along behind him. inside the lift, i stood at his side. haha, he let out a exasperating sighz. helpless he is LOL.. and evil i am.

well, today is reptty odd.. i missed TODAY. den the mrt, i duno how come tis tiem i am the last few to board, n my location was so jammed. i den squeezed to the middle. sigh, the people here simply don't move to make space for incoming commuters. at times, i set a bad eg for ppl who see how i behave in public. den the gd side.. i'm not sure how mcuh they learn siazz.. but at the swimming pool, ppl did follow my suit which is FANTASTIC hahaha...

my bus came, and surprisingly, as i boarded the bus, a lady wanna board oso. n we both were behaving courteously! letting each other board first. after scannign the card, we even offered each other to go into the bus first! LOL.. den i giggled n whispered "sorry.." den, i alighted at my stop, n went into my office bldg. know wat? a lady (taller than mi) was before mi, n we walked for abt 10 metres b4 we entered the blding. she was peeping into the blding window pane n saw mi behind her. the lift came. 1 ger got in, the lady went in slowly, n i went in. the lady den went directly to the back fot eh lift, while i pressed my floor. after the ger went out, the lady came forward to press her floor. OMG. i felt that, if i look back at her, i'd appear to feel soemthing abt her behaviour.. thus i jus din react...

morning was fine... i was doing my work.. den lunch was pretty fun.. lunchmates toked more.. BUT.. later, to think tat i was doing my db, n tried to preview a vid (u know), n my pc hang. damn it darn it. i din even save my DB. sianzz... so i took a break. but i stil din have the momentum to re-do it. later my colleagues are going off, n ask if i leaving. i say no. but hor, damn it. he has car. n probably i can get a ride to the mrt. anyway, after i boarded the bus for mrt, i hesitating abt going to my classes.

den my frn called mi, saying tat e class cancel liao. hahaha.. wat fun. so i decided to try it out, by takign indirect buses home. wah. the wait is LONG SIAZZZ.. wait for bus, den jc students boarded bus, den 1 TR age ger boarded bus, n used her carry bag to push mi while we seated same place. wah liao, she never see 1 siazz.. i even had to tell her off. KAUZ.

DEN, came an old lady, those 40+ woman. fat 1. she sit beside mi, wah liao, keep pushing her limbs to touch mi siazz!! GOSH! later, got 1 uncle, i immediately gave my seat to him.. phew.. siao.. overall bad experience in taking an alternate route siazz.. i wan my mrt back... sian thing hor is that, after i got back to my town, the ezlink card machines are spoilt. BOTH.

but hor, i wonder if it's because i'm used to the way buses n bus passengers behave.. on my previous job route.. i mena, the ppl r mostly working class or ppl who heading back after work. den diff transport to diff place at diff time have diff ppl taking it.. or rather, ppl of diff minset, attitude n class... hahaha.. am i thinking too much??

but.. i'm thinking abt 2 things. 1 is a guy, who i had accompanied during his arcade sessions. we even helped a frn to move house. n i was really protective towards him hahah... den antoher guy is the mgmt level 1.

perhaps i sensitive. somehow, i feel he's avoiding mi... dunno how true is tat.. it's mainly due to office hrs issues... cos he ask mi normally where i lunch. i told him my places, n ask himf or his. he din reply. n we are working veli near. n he never initiates meeting up. i did ask him out, but he has a gym session later. well, wat makes it so hard to fix a meeting? a lunch date? he cant control himself during office hr if he meet mi? or he wanna avoid suspicions?

a pretty sad day...

jus as i consoled my oz pal, tat being outta a reln is not too bad, but dun hurt urself further by being the nice guy, consoling him n teasing him to make him feel better, when u r having internal bleeding. it simply hurts 2 much. it hurts u, n makes him feel alright, but he may not know u r really hurt.

howver, jus tis morning, i thot of my relation with the mgmt guy. ever since the day i met him the first time, he told mi he is dating guy B. den from then till now, i been sending him morning greets. n when i asked him how he was wif guy B, we chatted over the ph, n i came out to him. he den understood mi m,ore. i know he's going to KL 2 wks later wif guy B. i know they can click, n progressing... alright. so from the bottom of my heart, i gave him (n guy B) my best wishes. n if they are realyl together, i hope they will stay truly happy together. tat's my thking then, and now too.

so, hwo does "move on" apply here? keep a lookout for bf? bf never comes tat way. it's fate. for some, it can come when u feel it. for mi, it's seldom easy, as i dun bother joining any gay outings. ie those outings organised by orgs. these days, reln have become more of a bonus to my life. not a necessity. i can look forward to havign it, but dun have to search or ask or beg for it. n by wishing them together, i dun feel hurt. perhaps oni a lil (which i dun really know) tat is not 2 obvious yet. i oni SEE 1 guy, who is a nice person, living life well with someone he enjoys time with.

wah liao.. are singaporeans really so follower??? at my mrt here, there usually no 1 reading paper before entering mrt gantry. den jus a few days after i started to read my papers there, liao!! got ppl standing around that area?!?!

the mrt today pertty ok.. interestig time was when there was a kinda cute guy waiting at my busstop. hahaha.. he was peeping at mi. den, when my bus came, i boarded first, den he came up too. but.. i went to upper decker lah. my first to see this guy siazz ;) maybe long time nvr see cute guy waiting bus wif mi hahah..

at work, hope i'm not getting sensitive, but it's jus a 1-time issue. ok, today is my 1 wk anni. den i usually lunch wif 3 guys. today, these 3 guy went for 1 hr tea break. when come back, the mgt ppl wanna go lunch. so i thot of going wif the 3 guys for lunch. then, 1 told mi, tat they took lunch liao. den i jokingly asked y they go din nvr ask mi.. he say, they ate more things during tea break mah.. hehe, i learnt not to take things too personally. but i did at least ask why they left mi out :) n hor, 'cos of this, i went to a canteen nearby, n wow... a good plate of chicken rice for $2!!! n 60c for either barley drink or tea.. cooll... i found another way to save money..

but hor, facing the monitor for 7-8 hr is damn straining for the eyes siazz.. n although it's tiring, i feel great knowing tat this proj will b the fruit of my labour.. i did my calc. this proj jus came in. n my prob is 3 mths. if the proj manage to take off properly, my capz is likely to b proven. n may have chance at higher pay LOL.. HR here.. is needed oso lah.. but this place, programmers.. seldom chat loud.. usually.. or soemtimes crowd around pc to gossip. no much chance to tok wif them, unless i purposely... try..

now, wat i worry is, they r givign mi incremental workload. this is my first prog job. so, they guide mi along carefully, telling mi the steps to start on proj. my worry is, if they nvr tell mi, i'd think my current progress (finishing each task they give mi in a day or 2) is good, or nice, but to them, it's slow...

ok.. after KO, i went to busstop. hahah.. a blurry blurry guy is waiting for the bus. it's the same guy who i saw on monday! den on teh train, i felt so bad of mi.. it crowded. as we rush into train, a avg size guy (but shorter than mi) was before mi. it's crowded. n packed. LOL.. den my position was almost like, i m able to hug him siazz.. but... i still put my arms str8, to block attacks on my pte, n 1 arm acroos my chest. but.. hor.. thinking n fantasizing, i kena erecting.. n i dun deny, i may have used it to molest him LOL..

now i gt my new job pay (they so on time siazz), n waiting for my old job pay, n m1 to credit mi back. last thing, is waiting for oz bks to b sold, den i can get back my money

siao.. last night, i watch guess show. slept at 130am, den feel dodgy when wake up for work at 730. sighzz.. i really dislike/hate taking the mrt.. like wat tat gal say, the ppl r jus rushing to board the train. n some ppl, simply bochap. they got space, purpsoely dun wan shift in. haha, esp today, a ger wanna exit, but she came out late, so was SQUEEZING her way thru, n i got out of train to let her exit, n den went in again.

ahhah.. shld i, let go of myself, n b a commoner, n go wif the crowd?? i was actually.. even thnking of... taking buses on way home, to avoid the mrt crowd. at work today, ehhe, i was kinda praised, although at my own std, it's jus wat i am capable of, not something unexpected. ie, i saw a db redundancy n suggested somethign. my snr praised mi for it. den hor, now i finally get a taste of accessing webmail liao.. at work, i was checking my mails.. at my office pc.. so tat when i get home, i dun need to check mails again.. convenience... :)

adam and sebastian

sebastian ill-treated

sebastian being warned...

sebastian moving..

closeup of sebastian..

sebastian sleeping.. hahah

closeup of renfred..